Think For Yourself 101

Recently I have been on our Kennedy web page entertaining forum discussions. For the most part the conversations are interesting, but not intellectual. People are leaving their opinions, but have a tendency to get upset when other people leave an opinion adverse to their opinion. How do I know they are upset? Because they end their comment with, "but everyone has an opinion and this is mine." Another problem I am finding is that most of the people commenting have nothing of substance to back their argument. They'll spit out a few quotes from the bible that is tailored to their opinion and keep reciting that same verse. I'll comment whenever my name is mentioned for feedback, but I am really getting tired of the forum discussions that are political/religious in nature. Which leads me to the reason for this post.

It's been a while since I have entertained the topic of religion/the bible with other people. One reason why I have stayed away from it is because I have found that most people love to quote the bible, but hate to read it. That is one of the most absurd things I have heard of. How can a person quote something as a point of reference and not know the contents of what they're quoting. Second reason why I have stayed away from these types of discussions is because people don't like to read and learn things on their own. People would rather have the bible spoon fed to them. Therefore, they only know the interpretation of the person lecturing to them. Maybe that's why I have such a huge problem with going to church. I really have a problem with someone else giving me their opinions and interpretations of the bible. Perhaps that's why I like the law so much. No matter what the law is, everyone has an interpretation of it, and the courtroom is where we argue those different interpretations. But the bible is different. Everyone wants to believe that there is only one interpretation. That may be fine, but what do you when you find discrepancies in the book you were taught to believe in and rely upon. Here is an example of one of those discrepancies.

Let's start with the very beginning of the bible. The book of Genesis. More specifically Genesis; chapter one; verses 26-28. Those verses read as follows:

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Clearly in the very first chapter God created man and woman. Those verses can be interpreted that way. So one would imagine that the earth now has a man and a woman upon it, and more people would soon follow from those two people. Right? But wait.....Let's read further. In the second chapter of the book of Genesis, there is another creation. This took place after God put Adam in the Garden of Eden. Let's read it. More specifically Genesis; chapter 2; verse 15 which reads:

And the Lord God took THE MAN, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Now what happened to the woman God created in the first chapter? Why would God only take "the man" and not the woman who was created for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying? Well let's read further. More specifically Genesis; chapter two; verses 20-24 which reads:

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be call Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Now think about these first two chapters. Why is it that there are two different times when a woman is created in this bible? Could it be that Adam had two wives? Could it be that the first woman didn't work out, so God created another one? Whatever the case may be, its obvious that there are discrepancies in the bible. Its obvious that whoever wrote this book, wrote what they wanted the readers to read and believe. Even if there were scriptures written for the purpose of history, those scriptures certainly have been altered.

I will give another observation of mine. The "immaculate conception" of Christ. I don't believe it. The only reason why people believe it is because they don't want to doubt God. While I don't doubt God, I doubt what the authors of the bible have conveyed to us all of these years. As children we were taught that Mary, the mother of Christ, became pregnant by way of the Holy Spirit; i.e. she was a virgin, yet conceived a child. Impossible. The very first book and chapter (the book of Matthew) in the new testament starts off going through the entire line of David eventually leading to Joseph. Joseph was the man Mary married who eventually gives birth to Jesus. Now if Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, then why does the entire old testament discuss the lineage of Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, etc. According to the old testament, Jesus came through this lineage, and its also reiterated in the new testament. If Christ was of an "immaculate conception," then why does all of this lineage matter? Why is lineage highlighted throughout the majority of the bible? Lineage shouldn't matter if Christs' birth was of an "immaculate conception." Particularly if Mary was a virgin when she married Joseph, and Joseph considered leaving Mary once he found out she was pregnant. If the immaculate conception is true, then Christ didn't come through Joseph's line as the old and new testament would have the reader believe.

I guess I said all of that to say this. Read for yourself and think for yourself. Don't believe something just because you've been taught that's the norm in society. After all, what or who classifies what is normal and what isn't. That's another post at a later date. I think I have put enough on y'all minds with this post.

Crime and Punishment

Yesterday in the news, a decision recently rendered by the United States Supreme Court was issued to the public. Our nation's highest court ruled Louisiana Law regarding the death penalty for capital rape is unconstitutional. In Louisiana, rape of a child age 12 and under was an offense punishable by death until yesterday. The court's reasoning was that the death penalty for such an offense is not only too harsh, but was rarely ever administered in various states. All five of the liberal justices voted against the death penalty being administered for such offense. All of the conservative justices disagreed. They were of the opinion that such an offense is the ultimate act of violence that could ever be committed upon a child--I agree.

As an adult who was subjected to sexual assault, it has been difficult for me. I can only imagine that experience for a child. All of that child's innocence is lost and can never be restored. That child has been robbed of so much. The ruling just didn't seem fair to me. The legal side of my mind believes that a life sentence is better for the offender because that person will be raped in prison. Its a fact that prisoners have no mercy for convicted rapists of children. That is the hell on earth they should be subjected to. But there is a part of me that is attached emotionally; which clouds my legal opinion. I am of the theory that the crime of rape is worst than committing a murder. Having to live with the nightmare of being subdued against your will, being treated as if you have no say in what is taking place, and having to bare the physical pain during the incident is not a good feeling. Then comes the mental pain that lingers on in your mind dictating how you live and interact with people. The nights are long when you're in bed tossing and turning because every time your eyes close, all you can see is yourself being raped; literally feeling the physical pain you felt at that moment in time. Its been hard as hell.

I accept the ruling. I don't have a choice but to. However, it is a difficult pill to swallow.

Basic Instinct

According to Webster's Dictionary, the definition of instinct is: 1: a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity; 2 a: a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason b: behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level.

This word in interesting to me now. At my counseling session tonight, it took me forty minutes to understand what it was my counselor was trying to get me to see. For as long as I have been living, I have ignored a certain instinct in me. This instinct that I have neglected is what prompts other people to decide to take a chance, get to know someone, and perhaps develop a relationship of some sort. For weeks now, a friend of mine has been repeating the word companionship to me. I honestly could not understand what in the hell she was talking about. I have never understood why anyone sought companionship. Its not something I have ever sought, or wanted to explore. Ever since I was six or seven, my mother taught me that the only thing I ever needed a man for was a "good fuck," and that was it. I have always been taught and raised to take care of myself, and never fall in love with a man. So whenever I met a guy, I would look at him physically to see if he was someone I'd like to have sex with. After sex, I lost whatever interest I had in him. I've never looked for anything past sex with men. With the exception of one man, I have never sought a relationship with any of the men I have had sex with. The one exception was a decision made after I was raped of course. I was too scared to get to know anyone new. I later realized that I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him either. Out of fear, I was trying to force something that wasn't there. Tonight I realized that ever since the latter part of my teenage years, I have only been interested in men for sex and that's all. Sex was my reason for befriending a man.

Here's why the definition above is important. A "...complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason." To me, that definition means that instinctively people respond to certain things because its just something within us. There is no conscious or aforethought to love. There is no reason to companionship, marriage, love, etc. People respond to those things because that's just within us as humans, and maybe that's just our inner purpose; which requires no reason or logic. Its been my experience that no one can articulate why they love someone. They just do. And no reason has to be attached to it because its an unconditional love; I suppose. But with me, its just the opposite. In my mind, there is a reason for everything. A reason for everything I say and do. My life is dictated by logic. In my mind, B has to logically follow A. If that doesn't happen, then it doesn't make sense to me. Love is something that has never made sense to me because it couldn't be explained to me. And I didn't take the time out to understand it because it was so "complex" to me, and didn't "involve reason." I guess all this time I have been viewing things wrong. All this time I have been ignoring that "natural impulse" that doesn't require reasoning. All I had to do was explore its possibilities. Imagine that....

Happy Birthday Friend!!!!!

This blog is for my best friend. Today is her 35th birthday. Ordinarily in the month of January she whines and complains that June 22 is "just around the corner." But this year she didn't say a word about it. She took aging gracefully like a woman. The good thing about my friend is that she still looks young and good for her age. I normally get her a birthday cake, but this year I didn't. For some reason, I am focusing on how I will spend my 35th birthday.

I must say my friend has done well. A house, car, two beautiful daughters. She has been blessed tremendously, and I am certainly happy to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Tara!!!!!!

My Visit To The Psych

Recently, a friend of mine has been bugging me about marriage/dating and going to church. She is slowly starting to remind me of my mother. My mom nags me about getting married, having children, having a companion, and going to church. Because I don't want to be bothered with my mother's constant song, I limit my conversations with her, and visits to her house. While my friend is not exactly like my mother, she is beginning to sound just like her. Somewhere around the same time she has managed to preach to me about marriage, relationships and church all at once. She thinks that church will make me happy such that I won't have to take my medicine for depression. I am not feeling her on that marriage shit, and I am hardly feeling her on the whole church thing. But I do understand and appreciate her concern for me. I want her to understand how I feel however. Simply because marriage and church works for her, doesn't mean it will work for me; at least not now particularly when its not what I want right now. Today I asked my doctor if he thought I should go to church as opposed to taking medicine for my depression. The answer my doctor gave me was: (1) go to church if that is what I want to do; (2) it would be beneficial for me to go to church to improve my social life; (3) find a religion or church that I am comfortable with and like (meaning research other types of religions because I may not be a fan of western religions but I might like eastern religions better); and (4) don't stop taking my medicine if I go to church because they both can work together. By that he meant if my depression came from not going to church, then going to church would help me and not the medicine. But because the medicine has helped me improve, then its the medicine and not church that has helped with the chemical imbalance that I have. My doctor thinks that going to church would give me hope and it would help me get to know new people that may share some of the same beliefs as I do, but he is against me not taking my medicine. He used the example of someone with diabetes. Would you tell a person who is a diabetic not to take their insulin, instead go to church and that will make them well. The answer is no. My doctor said he would encourage both. I liked his answer. He understands in the African-American community that mental health is something that isn't sought. He is absolutely right about that. Black people have this theory that the bible cures all. Or if you believe in God then all of your woes will disappear. I don't believe that. I think people who suffer with mental illness should seek medical attention just like people who have physical illnesses. And yes depression is an illness. Its not just "all in my mind," or will "go away if I pray on it." Its something that needs to be addressed by seeing a physician. To bad many people don't understand that. I think I have made progress with the medicine I am currently taking. I can't stress enough that if I wasn't taking any medicine, then I would have likely killed myself or at least attempted to. Its hard to explain what its like living day to day thinking that I should kill myself and end my misery. It was a thought that just sat on the forefront of my mind preventing me from focusing on anything else in life. In a lot of ways, I don't want to explain it because I don't want people to see that deep level of depression in me. Believe me friend, its better that I take medicine, or you would be visiting me in a psychiatric ward or at a grave site. Taking the medicine helps me focus on something other than what caused the depression. I am sure there is someone who may say that my life is not as bad as I think it is. Through their eyes, they may be right. But being raped in February '05, then six months later losing all of my belongings in a hurricane turning my life upside down even more so, and having a stressful job kind of changes a persons perspective on life. Its easy for someone to see me and say, "she got it made." But no one is able to see how I feel on the inside to measure my unhappiness. Hopefully whoever reads this will understand, and not tell me I am wrong for looking at things the way I do. If I thought I could bounce back from all of that, then I would have done it a long time ago. My method didn't work, so I had to give the medicine a try.

As for church, I have never been big on it. I only went because I was forced to go as a child. Just like school. Right now, I am not interested in joining a church. Maybe that will change in the future, but I am not interested in any particular western religion and I am not interested in a non-denominational church because its no different from a denominational church. Only difference is its not a religion that teaches the same principles I already know from my own upbringing and reading. I think I am searching for something different, so I will take the advice of my doctor and look into eastern religions.

As for that marriage/dating/children part. I am not ready for that in the least bit, nor am I looking for it to happen anytime soon. Mentally I am not ready to share my life and space with another person. I am content with looking out for just myself and no one else.

Please try and understand that....