My Visit To The Psych

Recently, a friend of mine has been bugging me about marriage/dating and going to church. She is slowly starting to remind me of my mother. My mom nags me about getting married, having children, having a companion, and going to church. Because I don't want to be bothered with my mother's constant song, I limit my conversations with her, and visits to her house. While my friend is not exactly like my mother, she is beginning to sound just like her. Somewhere around the same time she has managed to preach to me about marriage, relationships and church all at once. She thinks that church will make me happy such that I won't have to take my medicine for depression. I am not feeling her on that marriage shit, and I am hardly feeling her on the whole church thing. But I do understand and appreciate her concern for me. I want her to understand how I feel however. Simply because marriage and church works for her, doesn't mean it will work for me; at least not now particularly when its not what I want right now. Today I asked my doctor if he thought I should go to church as opposed to taking medicine for my depression. The answer my doctor gave me was: (1) go to church if that is what I want to do; (2) it would be beneficial for me to go to church to improve my social life; (3) find a religion or church that I am comfortable with and like (meaning research other types of religions because I may not be a fan of western religions but I might like eastern religions better); and (4) don't stop taking my medicine if I go to church because they both can work together. By that he meant if my depression came from not going to church, then going to church would help me and not the medicine. But because the medicine has helped me improve, then its the medicine and not church that has helped with the chemical imbalance that I have. My doctor thinks that going to church would give me hope and it would help me get to know new people that may share some of the same beliefs as I do, but he is against me not taking my medicine. He used the example of someone with diabetes. Would you tell a person who is a diabetic not to take their insulin, instead go to church and that will make them well. The answer is no. My doctor said he would encourage both. I liked his answer. He understands in the African-American community that mental health is something that isn't sought. He is absolutely right about that. Black people have this theory that the bible cures all. Or if you believe in God then all of your woes will disappear. I don't believe that. I think people who suffer with mental illness should seek medical attention just like people who have physical illnesses. And yes depression is an illness. Its not just "all in my mind," or will "go away if I pray on it." Its something that needs to be addressed by seeing a physician. To bad many people don't understand that. I think I have made progress with the medicine I am currently taking. I can't stress enough that if I wasn't taking any medicine, then I would have likely killed myself or at least attempted to. Its hard to explain what its like living day to day thinking that I should kill myself and end my misery. It was a thought that just sat on the forefront of my mind preventing me from focusing on anything else in life. In a lot of ways, I don't want to explain it because I don't want people to see that deep level of depression in me. Believe me friend, its better that I take medicine, or you would be visiting me in a psychiatric ward or at a grave site. Taking the medicine helps me focus on something other than what caused the depression. I am sure there is someone who may say that my life is not as bad as I think it is. Through their eyes, they may be right. But being raped in February '05, then six months later losing all of my belongings in a hurricane turning my life upside down even more so, and having a stressful job kind of changes a persons perspective on life. Its easy for someone to see me and say, "she got it made." But no one is able to see how I feel on the inside to measure my unhappiness. Hopefully whoever reads this will understand, and not tell me I am wrong for looking at things the way I do. If I thought I could bounce back from all of that, then I would have done it a long time ago. My method didn't work, so I had to give the medicine a try.

As for church, I have never been big on it. I only went because I was forced to go as a child. Just like school. Right now, I am not interested in joining a church. Maybe that will change in the future, but I am not interested in any particular western religion and I am not interested in a non-denominational church because its no different from a denominational church. Only difference is its not a religion that teaches the same principles I already know from my own upbringing and reading. I think I am searching for something different, so I will take the advice of my doctor and look into eastern religions.

As for that marriage/dating/children part. I am not ready for that in the least bit, nor am I looking for it to happen anytime soon. Mentally I am not ready to share my life and space with another person. I am content with looking out for just myself and no one else.

Please try and understand that....