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So my best friend came by, and conducted my session in my counselor's absence. She did pretty good. I must admit there were a few moments when I almost cried during our discussion, but I fought it. The last thing I want is for the both of us to be crying. I really think my friend should have entered the field of psychiatry. She is an excellent listener, and she has a way of making me realize things about myself. She is just smart. Maybe that's why I love her so much. Thank you friend.....Over the next few days, I will have a few things to think about and consider. While I have been sleeping at night, I couldn't stop my mind from thinking last night. I couldn't relax and fall asleep. Hopefully that won't be the case tonight. I plan to get up early in the moring and stop at the office before I go to court. I am hoping I won't be in court all day; which I shouldn't. I just have a lot of catching up to do, and victims to interview for upcoming cases. I am anticipating a phone call tomorrow that might change the current status of my career. I haven't posted anything in my blog about it yet, but by this weekend something should be posted about it. I am going to get ready for bed. I feel funny saying that considering its only 8:49 pm. I wonder if my counselor is on a beach in Hawaii sipping a Mai Tai out of a coconut right about now. That's what I would be doing. :-)
I want to start this blog by thanking my best friend for making alterations to her schedule so that my week could maintain some consistency. She certainly has a lot on her plate before, during, and after work. I feel guilty for even trying to occupy one hour of her time. I hope she doesn't think that I am being difficult with her, but I just want to make sure she has time to set aside for me. If not, then I certainly understand. Ordinarily, I sit with my counselor for an hour one day out of the week, and I get to talk about whatever I want to within that hour. Needless to say I talk about everything but what I should talk about, and sometimes my counselor does more talking than I do. But last week, I think I actually brought up a conversation about the most traumatic experience in my life. Because my counselor is enjoying Hawaii at this very moment, that's how my best friend comes into the picture. However, I am having second thoughts about talking to my best friend as though she were my counselor. I guess I am having second thoughts because I don't want to add my stress to her. I sometimes don't want to talk to my counselor because I don't want to depress her, but she reminds me thats why I come to see her every week. However, its different with my best friend. I know I can talk to her about anything, and she knows everything about me. I am just scared she will see a side of me that may upset her. I've realized that the only time I discuss with my best friend what happened to me is only when she brings it up. Otherwise, I don't think I initiate much discussion with her about it. Having said all of that. I think it might be better if I wait patiently for my counselor to return so that I can resume my weekly sessions.
I have a few things to say, and I want to say them because they need to be said:First and foremost.....FUCK BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!And to hell with everyone jumping on the bandwagon. When his ass say something of substance, then I will listen to him and take him seriously as a politician. I don't want to hear shit about hope, change, and the future. HOPE is as strong today and tomorrow as it was yesterday. In other words, hope just perpetuate itself with the assistance of people who don't know how to achieve what it is they hope for or are too stupid to realize what they are hoping for will never happen; like racial harmony. Why do I say that. Because there are people on this earth who only see race and nothing past it. Its sad but true. Nobody likes CHANGE unless they just broke a one-hundred dollar bill, and nobody is promised to live to see the FUTURE. So stop supporting this empty rhetoric. Barack and his militant pastor can carry they asses back to Africa with that bullshit he preaching about.Second....Black people are supporting Barack because he is black. So here is what I will do. I will follow this dumb ass logic and vote for Hillary Clinton because she is a woman and so am I. God forbid people support a candidate based upon issues that are important in this country. God forbid people consider whether a candidate is actually qualified to run the country. Only one-sided people think its okay to elect someone to run the country because of race. What kind of dumb ass thinking is that. And if people are going to say that they are supporting Barack because this country has never had a black president, then why can't they support Hillary. This country has never had a female president. There have only been male presidents and vice-presidents. But this just goes to show that women have to fight hard as hell to be taken seriously and noticed. Hillary has proven herself in politics over a span of years, and out of nowhere comes some half-breed who knows just the right words to say and not to say so that he doesn't piss off white people. And he knows all he has to do is tell black people he is running for president and that is enough. Don't worry Hillary. You will at least have my support on election day because I know what its like to be a woman in a profession where you have to force your way to the front, stand up, be heard, and be taken seriously as something other than a sex object to men. Third....If Obama wins over Hillary, then I am voting republican for the first time in my life!!!!!
Coming off of a horrible two weeks, I enjoyed today. The only thing I didn't get to do was get my hair washed. So I have to wait a couple of days. I didn't fall asleep until about five o'clock this morning, but I crawled out of bed around eleven this morning. I took a bath, and headed out to Best Buy and completed my sound system upgrade. I have installed a four channel amplifier to produce the highs and mid-range sound for the five-way speakers in my car. I also installed a two channel amplifier for the sub-woofer I also installed. That way all the bass (the lows in the five way speakers) comes through the sub-woofer. I truly believe I have found love. My system sounds so nice. I have the sound that I want coming from my sub-woofer, and I have the sound being produced from my tweeters and super-tweeters. Now guess what else I am thinking of adding to my car. Take a second and think about it.....If you guessed it, then you are either a genius or you really know me. SATELLITE RADIO!!!!!!! I like the channels available on it. I think I will add that to my car in the next couple of weeks to come. I think this will be the car I commit to for a long time because of the installation. My sound system is like my road to freedom while driving. I love music just that much. I can listen to anything and watch anything on dvd in my car. It's like having a living room on wheels. I am so excited about it!!!! While I was waiting for my car at Best Buy, I decided to grab something to eat since I was hungry. The waitress was nice. For some reason she felt a little sorry for me that I was dining alone. Eating alone has never bothered me. It gives me time to think. So while I was eating my lunch, I decided to contact my cousin in Baton Rouge to see if she was at home. She was home, so I decided to drive there to see her. I haven't seen her since she moved to Baton Rouge from Wisconsin. Not to mention I haven't been to Baton Rouge since I graduated law school almost five years ago. Baton Rouge has developed so much, and I realized how much I enjoyed living in Baton Rouge. I am actually thinking about finding a job there and moving back. Its so much more peaceful there than it is here in New Orleans. And it helped me recapture what my life was like before all of the turmoil. I stayed with my cousin longer than I expected. I would have spent the night, but I didn't have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. I didn't have any of my medicine either. But I will make my way back there really soon.In ending, I would like to thank Best Buy for my new found happiness, and I'd like to say thank you to my cousin for making me smile, laugh, and clown around like we used to do before our lives changed drastically. I guess sometimes you just have to say fuck it, and listen to all the great music from the 90's. "Luv ya" Pass!!!!
This week and last week was not kind. I feel pressure coming from every angle and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. I am so tired of people expecting the world from me. I can't do it. I can't provide that much. I am running on E right now. All I have done for the past two weeks was drink and do drugs. This morning I didn't go to work and I didn't call in. I am back in this phase and I don't know how to pull myself out. Its so hard to say out loud what I am feeling, so I posted something on my poem segment to the right of this blog.
The only good news I have to report this week is that Janet cd is number 1 on Billboards R&B charts for the second week in a row. Her cd is also number two on Billboards Top 200. Well done J.....
To all of you who didn't believe it could be done. To all of you who decided not to buy the latest cd from Janet. Guess what.....Her cd hit number 1 on Billboard's top 200. That's all I have to say....."Do you like my style.....yeah that's sexy, sexy, sexy...."
For at least four nights this week, two pills of ambien has helped me fall asleep at night. One thing I have noticed before falling asleep is that I can't stop thinking about work, my fear of people, or being raped. Obviously that is the source of sleep deprivation. Thursday night I didn't take any ambien because after work I went out for drinks with co-workers. Apparently all of the judges decided to be assholes to the prosecutors, so for most of us it was a rough day. Because I had been drinking, I decided not to take any sleeping pills; therefore, I couldn't fall asleep. Last night I went out with a friend of mine to play pool, and I consumed more alcohol. I made it home around two in the morning, but I couldn't fall asleep until six this morning. My mind was constantly thinking about the same things. Alcohol no longer takes me away from my reality. The ambien; however, does. The only problem is I can't stay asleep forever. Between judges expecting the world of me, a job that I think about quitting on almost a daily basis, and a past I have difficulty confronting, I literally have nowhere to run. For the most part, I take comfort in knowing that the anit-depresant medicine is working really well. It helps me get through the day and I am in a good mood all day. Its only when I get in my bed at night that I become apprehensive and feel unsafe. I don't exactly know how to cure that defect, but its becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I think I have found relief at night again in the ambien; even if it proves temporary. History has dictated that sleeping pills for me have an effect for about three to six months, and then stop working. I will enjoy my sleep while I can.
For a week now, I have been listening to Janet's new cd titled Discipline. On a scale of one to ten, I give it an 8. I like all of the fast tunes; however, the slow songs I can do without. Two of them are a little too sappy for me, and the other two really don't catch my ear. My favorite tracks are: Feedback, Luv, Rollercoaster, and The One (featuring Missy Elliot). What I found interesting is that Janet didn't write any of the songs; so overall I am impressed with the fact that the writers were able to create songs that fit Janet. Usually there are two or three samples of other songs from other artists on her cd, but that is not the case with this cd. I have been trying to find out exactly where the cd is on Billboards, but that has been a little difficult to obtain. My expectations are that many people won't purchase her cd. I am sure that has to be hard for an artist who has been in entertainment since childhood. Janet is a phenomenon, but its tuff competing with young, fresh, new talent (or lack thereof). I think at this stage in Janet's career her fan base is what keeps her afloat. Unfortunately there are critcs who believe Janet should just hang up the singing career because of her age. Janet is 41 years old and still has a name in this business. That says a lot. I don't know many other artist who have been in the music industry over twenty years, and can still sell out a concert. By no stretch of the imagination should Janet give up on her music career. If she loves to do it, then to hell with the critics. I guess thats what critics are for. I just hope Janet realizes that the critics will find a reason to put her music down simply because of her age and her last name. As a fan, I will continue to buy her music as long as she keeps releasing cd's. Its the least I can do to show my support in a world and in a business that is so dead set on staying forever young.
