Ghostwriter

Damn!!!

2009-08-02T14:56:00.002-05:00

I didn't realize it has been a little over a month since I last posted anything new to my blog. I skipped the entire month of July!!!! It is now August, and we are quickly approaching the end of another year. In other words, Christmas is just around the corner, so get ready to see Christmas decorations in all the stores for Halloween. More importantly, my birthday is coming up. What shall I do this year? I will take the remainder of the day to ponder that. I need to go somewhere. I like travelling most in the winter season. So I'll probably select a state north or northeast. I need to be where its cold. Tara.....think of a place for me to go, and let me know what you come up with and if you can come with me.

My Head Hurts

2009-06-28T23:20:00.002-05:00

I'm so fucking upset with BET right now, I don't know what to do with myself. I wasted four hours of my life watching a channel that I don't ordinarily watch, let alone an award show on that channel. The only reason why I tuned in was to see just how they would "honor" Michael Jackson. Well, that didn't happen. It was painfully obvious that none of those people/so called entertainers knew anything about Michael Jackson or his legacy and contributions to music!!!! I wasted four hours watching a bunch of non-talented motherfuckers jump around on the stage cursing in their lyrics, and at the end of their so called performance, they had the audacity to say, "Rest in Peace Mike. We love you and miss you." That's not honoring someone-fucking jackasses!!!!! What really angered me was the fact that Janet had to sit through that shit!!!!! Janet had a look of disgust on her face. I've never seen her look so insulted before. All she could say in a breaking tone was, "To you Michael was an icon. To us he was family." Because she was about to cry, she had to walk off the stage. How dare BET ask the Jackson family to be present for that shit!!!! Janet was "elected" by her family to appear on behalf of her family. Otherwise she wouldn't have been there enduring such tasteless, tacky, ignorant shit!!!!

And can somebody PLEASE tell that bitch Beyonce' that you do not sing the Ave Maria in a fucking teddy!!!! I hate that bitch!!!! I'm not even catholic and I was insulted!!! How dare she disgrace a sacred song as such. My grandfather loved that song, and for her to disrespect it in such a manner makes me wanna slap the fuck out of her!!!! And if she's gonna sing the Latin version, at least have the decency to know how to pronounce the words!!!!! I'm so fucking sick to my stomach right now. This is what music has come to. Something that's not even creative, artistic, beautiful, brilliant....I can go on!!!!! How dare these people insult music like this. I've been playing music practically all my life, and I've never hated this style of music as much as I do right now. These people offer absolutely nothing to the art form of music. I'm so sorry Janet had to leave her family to sit through that shit!!!

Acceptance

2009-06-27T23:43:00.012-05:00

The more I think about Michael Jackson, the more upset I become. The more upset I become, the more angry I get. Even though I've never met him, I feel his pain and understand more than what most people are willing to recognize. I'll start with his childhood. Michael was singing ever since he could talk. And having Joe Jackson as a father obviously was not an easy task. This post is not meant to lay blame on or point a finger at his father, but I, like most people I am sure, can relate to having a controlling and demanding parent. Outside of school, the only other thing in Michael's life was music and his four older brothers. That's all he knew. Singing, performing, and dancing had to be perfect or else people wouldn't "accept" him. And as long as the public was "accepting" Michael, life was fine because his father was pleased. Anything less than perfect would be a disgrace in Michael's eyes because it would have been a disgrace in his fathers' eyes, thus the public eye. Imagine living a life in the public eye from early childhood until your death. I certainly wouldn't want to live a life like his. Here's how I can relate to Michael. My mother was constantly telling me and my sister that we had to be perfect, get good grades, and become somebody or otherwise no one would "accept" us. It was ingrained in our minds that our family and "so called friends" were waiting to see us fail. Therefore, me and my sister had to get great grades. It wasn't an option. There was no room for error or failure. If you weren't number one, then you were nothing. The only thing I knew as a child was constant studying and in my spare time the only other thing I had was music. Music helped me escape. It helped me to cope with the abuse we were receiving from our mother. I can remember more childhood songs than I can any other part of my childhood. That's just how much of a blur my childhood is to me. The minute my grades began to slip in high school, I felt like the world was tumbling down. I truly believed I would become nothing, my family and "so called friends" would criticize me, and all I wanted to do was die. I was 14 years old and I was crying and screaming to my daddy that I didn't want to live and I wanted to die all because my grades were less than perfect. I kept telling him that I wanted to die while he tried to calm me down until I finally fell asleep. I understand how Michael felt when not only the public, but a parent places that much pressure on you as a child.

Since Michael's passing, so much about his mental and physical health has surfaced. I've known for a few months now that he suffered with a pulmonary disease; which for an entertainer is not only damaging to your health, its also damaging to your career. The Micheal we've been seeing on tv was probably no more. His health was deteriorating along with his career; which leads me to his mental health. At the height of his career, Michael was "accepted" by everyone. The WORLD loved him. There wasn't a single part of the entire globe that had never heard of or seen Michael Jackson. How many artists can actually say that. Then came all the stories about his skin tone, his sex life, and of course, the allegations of child molestation. After the second allegation that resulted in an acquittal, I said to myself then that Michael would kill himself. The reason why I said that was because Michael was too busy trying to regain his popularity and "acceptance" of the public. However, there was nothing he could do, say, or sing to change, slow down, or stop the constant criticism. Everyday this man was called weird, a molester, "Wacko Jacko," or some other stupid name just to sell a damn magazine to a bunch of ignorant ass people who don't have anything better to do with their damn selves but enjoy reading about someone else's downfall. Also there was the matter of not having the same cash flow coming in anymore. Michael was in more debt than any of us could ever imagine. From this day forward I will stop complaining about my student loans. I'm sure if that's all Michael had to worry about, he would have been happy to trade lives with any of us. This man had insurmountable obstacles in his life. One obstacle after the other. Then there's the side called lonely. My sister couldn't understand why Michael felt so lonely and never found a woman to settle down with considering all of his older brothers did. I told her that was the reason. I explained it to her like this. For the longest, it was just me and my sister. She was the only other person who understood what it was like growing up on Leonidas Street with our mother. Just like Michael and his older brothers knew what it was like growing up in Gary, Indiana with Joe Jackson. Then all of sudden, his brothers got married one by one, and started their own families; which more than likely left Michael feeling alone. All Michael had left was his career. Music was all he knew considering that's all he did since childhood. My sister was all I knew, and when she got married and had a child, I felt alone. It was no longer me and my sister. It was just me and my career. That's all I had and it was all I was taught to achieve since childhood. And here I am a 35 year old woman, with no children, no husband, and a career. I often feel like I don't fit in anywhere because my friends and family have achieved what is socially "acceptable" in life-getting married and having a family.

Then there's the depression factor. Some of the pills that Michael was taking, I've taken or am taking. My brother in law said, "Wasn't he taking Zoloft, that crazy people medicine?" That right there is the reason why Michael probably never shared his pain or the medication he was taking with anybody. Comments like that keep me from talking about how tough it is for me to battle depression. If I wasn't taking Cymbalta, my ass would probably be dead now. Even though Michael may have been taking anti-depressants, and a combination of other drugs, I blame that doctor who helped Michael kill himself. Michael knew at the age of 50 that there was no way he could perform anymore. After having endured being burned, falling off of a stage, breaking bones, and having a pulmonary disease, he knew his performing days were over, and I'm sure in his mind that also meant his life was over. I'm almost certain that Michael would rather be dead than to let people see him in a condition outside of what the world was accustomed to seeing.

On so many levels, I understand his pain. I understand his constant unhappiness with himself. I understand why it was so important to always be perfect. And if you can't be pleasing to anyone, then what's the sense in living? So the only thing Michael could "accept" was a desire to no longer live. In other words, if he couldn't be perfect, then he wouldn't "accept" anything less than that; which meant give him death. This is why I'm taking his death so hard. Michael inspired me to want to dance. He inspired me to learn all there was about charisma when it came to dance and rhythm. He inspired me to listen to the meaning of the lyrics and feel the joy or pain the artist was conveying. For instance, in his song Wanna Be Startin' Somethin', he says, "You're a vegetable, still they hate you, you're a vegetable, you're just a buffet, you're a vegetable, they eat off of you, you're a vegetable." Translation: Michael is the vegetable. Vegetables are good for you. And even though Michael/the vegetable is good to you or for you, still they hate you. Like Michael with his money/vegetables, he was a buffet for greedy, money hungry people who ate off of him/the vegetable.

So I will end this post quoting lyrics to Michael from that same song. Anybody who wants to learn more about music would already know that these lyrics were not written with the song. They were ad libbed when Michael recorded it. To Michael I say, "Lift your head up high and scream out to the world I know I am someone and let the truth unfurl. No one can hurt you now because you know the truth. Yes, I believe in me so you believe in you."

Rest In Peace Michael...you certainly deserve to.

The Passing of an Icon

2009-06-25T23:12:00.002-05:00

At first, I took it in stride. But as time passed, and more of his music was played on the radio, the more it began to sink in. A huge influence on my childhood has passed away. Everybody wanted to either be like him, dance like him, sing like him, look like him, or meet him. I'm sure just watching him perform on television had to be more exhilarating in concert. This was the young face with an astonishing voice on the lead vocals with his brothers behind him. He even influenced his youngest sister to be an icon as well. Which of them danced better is a personal preference, but no doubt they're both talented. When you think about it, this man provided for his family as soon as he came out of his mother's womb. He was at least seven when he and his brothers performed on the Ed Sullivan show; which by the way was a huge event for black America during those times. If you didn't know the songs outside of what was being played on the radio, then you missed out. "Jack still sits all alone; he lives the world that is his own; he's lost in thought of who to be; I wish to God that he would see just love." Or what about, "Even though the pain and heartache seems to follow me where ever I go; though I try and try to hide my feelings they always seem to show; then you try to say you're leaving me and I always have to say no; tell me why is it so that I never can say goodbye." And here we are saying goodbye to someone who has influenced every new so called artist out there today. I don't know a better entertainer, and doubt we'll ever see another one in this lifetime. This man was huge during my parents generation and mine. Name another artist who has done that. I challenge you. To our musical King...goodbye Michael Jackson.....

Finding Time

2009-06-14T18:52:00.002-05:00

Quite some time has passed since my last post on my blog. I've been so busy with work that it seems like I am consumed with nothing else but it. I do make time however to read my history books. That's one of the few things that keeps me level headed. In a nutshell, I've been to Houston, Texas for business; which turned out great. Me and my business partner have a great opportunity in front of us right now, but I won't get into all of that just yet. The civil practice in my law office is developing fine. I'm finally getting the hang of how to do billable hours. And today was the first time I went to my parents house since I moved out in April. My mother was happy to see me. She hugged me and kissed me on my check as I told her that I missed her. No apologies were exchanged however. Not that I expected to hear one, or give one for that matter. But the silence and distance was getting old. I truly do not have time to carry that burden on my plate. I have too much going on business wise that I don't want to take time out to reflect on what happened, and how long its been since I last spoke with my mother. I have no worries on my end though. Just thoughts of how to become successful in my career. Other than that, not much else has been going on. Holla later...

It's Official

2009-05-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

This week was a step in the right direction for me. I successfully obtained my charter number from the Secretary of State for my law practice. So now my law office is an official LLC business entity in the state of Louisiana. I am the owner of my own business, the registered agent for my business, and since I'm the only member, I'm the president of my business. Once I obtained my official business status in the state, I was able to open up a bank account for my law practice. That was of extreme importance to do. In fact, its required by the state bar association that private practitioners and firms have a client trust account and a general business account. We have to make sure we don't co-mingle our personal account with our business account. And we definitely have to have the client trust account to make sure that the clients money is being spent on the client. I just hope I'm able to maintain an accurate ledger for my records. Since I'm a lawyer, I know absolutely nothing about operating a business. With that fact, I'm now in search of an accountant who I can trust to manage my money and make sure I'm straight with the IRS for tax purposes. My sister is an accountant, but she isn't a CPA; which is what I need. My sister won't even touch matters like this. She'd rather not take the risk of miscalculation or not being able to give proper advice on tax tips that can be beneficial for a business. I can understand that. Its the same with me. I know nothing about tax law, so I wouldn't represent anyone who needs a tax attorney. I'll just keep searching until I find the right accountant I can trust.

After I obtained my charter number and opened my business bank account, I started feeling intimidated. It actually hit me for the first time that this shit is real. I've taken on a huge responsibility, and it seems like all of this is happening so fast. So many worries filled my head to the point that I didn't want to think about it anymore. After taking some xanax to calm down, I told myself that everything will be fine. In fact, everything has been fine so far. With that in mind, I went on with my day. Here's something else I will share. I was presented with another opportunity to be a guest on another cable access show. The person who asked me to appear on her talk show is an attorney also. She's been inviting me to be on her show ever since I was a prosecutor. Yesterday she called me up and said she was taping Friday night and wanted me there for 7:00. I didn't even think about it. I told her I'd be there, and tonight I was a guest on her talk show discussing the criminal justice system. I must say that I had a lot of fun. It was my first time ever being involved in a talk show discussion. I've been on the news before, but this was different. She wants me to be a part of a symposium she's planning for later this year. I'm on board for that as well. She even mentioned inviting me back on the talk show. I think I'll do it again since its free advertising for me as a solo practitioner. This week was great considering all that I was able to accomplish coupled with the open door for free advertisement on television. I must say that this feels really good.

A Different Area

2009-05-14T14:24:00.002-05:00

This morning I had to drive to another parish to represent a client of mine for a criminal charge and some traffic violations. I will not disclose the name of the parish in this post. Just know that it wasn't Jefferson or Orleans Parish. I arrived at the courthouse early because I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't want to run the risk of being late. I don't know any of the judges out there, so I didn't want to take a gamble starting off with a bad reputation, or possibly have the judge punish my client for my shortcomings. The courtroom was full, so needless to say we were there well into the afternoon hours. The judge seemed very polite and sympathetic to many of the defendants circumstances. He even went so far as to waive fines and fees for many of the defendants. Well, finally my clients' name was called, and we proceeded to the bench to address the court. I, of course, began to speak on the record on behalf of my client introducing myself by name, as an attorney, and informed the judge that I was present on behalf of my client who was also present in court. The judge then asked me a strange question. He asked me, "Are you an attorney?" At that point, I paused for about two seconds, and replied, "Yes sir. I am an attorney." Now, I don't want you to think the judge had this prejudice look or tone when he asked me that question. To me, it just came across as strange that he would ask that question even though I had just introduced myself as an attorney. One logical explanation could be that this parish rarely encounter a lot of black attorney's; just black defendants. In addition to that, as I was walking out of the courtroom, I thanked the courtroom deputy for all of his assistance and courtesy, then he asked me a question. The deputy asked me, "You from Nawlins?" In an effort to get him to repeat his question, and to make sure I understood which city he was pronouncing-or attempting to pronounce, I said, "I'm sorry sir." So again he asked, "You from Nawlins?" I replied, "Yes sir I am." He then nodded his head up and down, smiled, and told me to have a nice day. For the reader's sake, I will admit that this deputy was an older white male, but he was quite polite to me, and he too showed no signs of being prejudice, nor did he speak to me with a prejudice tone. I was just wondering what clued him in that I was not from that area. More specifically, how did he guess I was from New Orleans? I immediately asked myself if I have that New Orleans accent that we are known for having according to people from other cities/states. But here's why I don't think that's it. Many people in New Orleans, whether they're from here or not, upon meeting me will ask me if I'm from New Orleans. Every time I am asked that question, I in turn ask why do you ask. And ALL have replied with, "You don't talk like you from here." Or they'll say, " You don't have a New Orleans demeanor about yourself." After saying goodbye to the deputy, I proceeded to walk to my car, and another gentleman stopped me and asked for my business card. He was a black man of course, and his son was there for a charge. I told him to give me a call tomorrow. I have a feeling I may be picking up quite a few clients in the criminal arena in these other parishes.

Negative Inspiration

2009-05-03T18:34:00.002-05:00

Last Saturday was one of the most memorable days in my life. Unfortunately, it adds to the list of my worst moments in my life. Since October of last year, I was living at home with my parents. Yesterday, I moved into my own apartment again. The whole point of living at home was to save enough money to purchase my first home. However, that plan went south when my mother tried to physically fight me and threaten me with a butcher knife. We haven't talked to each other since the incident. It isn't that I don't want to talk to her. I just think she needs time to calm down, and I needed time to reset my boundaries. I can honestly say that I'm not mad at her, nor am I mad at myself. I think I am truly past the time in my life of living at home. My dad asked me if my mother and I can forget about everything that happened. I explained to my dad that it isn't about forgetting. Its about my mother getting help so that she can find peace and happiness in her life so that she can stop being so angry. With help, I believe my mother can have a better relationship with her husband, her siblings, and her daughters. As for me, the medicine and my own therapy is helping me make it through this ordeal. I hate that all of that had to happen between us because no matter how many apologies are said by the both of us, that action will always be there. Its tattooed on our lives. Its part of our history, and it dictates or present and our future.

On another note, I have to say thank you to Clif and Big G for helping me move. As always, Tara is there to pull the pieces together to keep me on track. Thanks friend!!! My new apartment is wonderful if I may say so myself. My first night here was very lonely for me. I didn't realize how accustomed I became to seeing my family and friends more consistently in my life. Today I organized the apartment. I put my belongings in its place, and my favorite room is my study. I have a place for my books on the built in bookshelf, my keyboard is placed in there, and I have the calm sounds of my water fountain right next to aromatherapy candles. You gotta see it!!!!

Welcome To Orleans Parish

2009-04-21T00:16:00.002-05:00

Maybe I shouldn't say this as a new defense attorney who was once a former prosecutor. But I honestly think once a prosecutor, always a prosecutor. Our parish recently had a murder trial wherein the defendant was accused and found guilty of raping and killing his 16 year-old daughter. The jury however found it fitting to sentence this asshole to a life sentence instead of the death penalty. I had this case when I was a prosecutor, so I have a soft spot for the victim. She didn't deserve this, and his ass certainly doesn't deserve the sentence he received. This child didn't have a chance since birth. Her destiny was already determined. In her short 16 years of living, she endured more than what most people could even bare. I'm so upset with the jury to the point that I wanna slap the hell out of them. If this crime didn't dictate the death penalty, then tell me, what has to happen in Orleans Parish for a jury to say death is sufficient.

What's more disturbing is the fact that for first degree murder cases, a jury has to be death qualified. Meaning, everyone is individually asked if they can vote death. If you can't vote death, then be honest about that shit!!! This bastard should have been sentenced to death....case closed...

The Good News

2009-04-15T23:33:00.002-05:00

The good news is that I don't owe the government this year. State or federal. In fact, those bastards owe me. The bad news is they'll keep my money because I owe them from the previous year. While I have a fondness for reading about our nation's history, I truly dislike the government and their taxing methods. I don't think its fair at all that I have to pay more taxes because I am a single working woman with no kids. I work just as hard for my money as anyone else. I damn sure work harder than the people who don't work at all, and get my tax dollars as a benefit for whatever their reasons are. But I won't dwell on that. I'll save that for another blog post. I going to bed....

The Latest

2009-04-12T19:10:00.002-05:00

Its been a minute since I've written anything on my blog. Truth be told, I've been a little busy. Not that I'm complaining. Busy means business. So far, I've picked up a few new clients in the private practice, mostly civil; which is a good thing. At first, I thought I would be able to stay away from criminal defense, but it seems as though I may have to pick up criminal clients to build capital in my business. The clerkship is going well also. It's providing me with the finances I need in my personal and professional life. The radio promo's have been doing well. I think my name is getting out in the public based upon the volume of phone calls I'm receiving, but I need to get to a point where people can match the name with a face. I need people to believe they can rely on me as an attorney. This will build the confidence needed for them to trust me enough to want to call me and retain my legal services. I have been presented with an opportunity that will bring me into people's living room. I have my second guesses about it, and I hope none of this is premature for my career. I will continue to ponder over this for the next week. After that, a final decision has to be made and adhered to.

A Must Have

2009-03-29T00:10:00.003-05:00

I think everyone has a list of albums/cd's that they consider a "must have" in their collection. Of course, a hobby of mine is hanging out at music stores buying cd's. Today, I decided to make going to Best Buy a part of my day among other things. While I was there, I decided to buy a few rap cd's. I purchased an L.L.Cool J. old school cd, a Notorious B.I.G. cd, and further down the aisle, I saw T.I.'s cd Paper Trail. Now I normally don't place many of todays rap artists on my "must have" list, but T.I.'s cd is a definite purchase worth investing in. In my opinion, I can honestly rank this cd as one of my top favorite rap cd's. In fact, I rank this cd up there with Tupac's release of All Eyes On Me. That's how tight Paper Trail is. Every song on this cd is excellent. The lyrics are impressive and the beats are slamming. I've always liked T.I's music, but this cd has prompted me to look at him in a different light as an artist, a musician, a writer, a man. I think he dug deep into his soul and wrote this one. Just like Tupac wrote his best lyrics while in prison, T.I. wrote this cd faced with many obstacles-one of them being prison-time; which he is currently serving. His lyrics show just how much he's grown from his experiences and mistakes in life. I love to hear growth in all artists. It says so much about them, and their development as a musician. If you don't have it, check it out. And I don't mean burn it, buy the damn cd!!! You know who I'm talking to....

On The Radio

2009-03-26T20:10:00.002-05:00

Today had to be the best day of my life. I actually recorded a commercial on the radio today. Being in the studio was a damn good feeling. Being behind a microphone as if I was in the music industry felt so damn good!!! My commercials will start airing this coming Tuesday, and I've signed up to be on the air for the next three months on two radio stations. I don't know if you know, but that's a hell of a lot of air time. I have to give a huge shout out to Kelder Summers. Kel!!!! You made that possible!!!! And to my P. R. person, Niya you a genius girl!!!!

Tolerance

2009-03-24T21:51:00.002-05:00

I typically don't watch reality shows, but from time to time when I'm channel surfing, America's Next Top Model catches my eye. Not because I'm interested in the show, but because of one of the characters on the show. I don't know his name, or what purpose he serves on the show, but he certainly does draw attention to himself. He is the black guy with the flamboyant style. Anyone watching the show can clearly see that he is a homosexual, and that he goes through no effort to mask it. Not that he has to hide his sexual preference. If he is comfortable being open about, then so be it. But that brings me to the purpose of this blog entry. One night last week, my mother and I were watching television, and she just so happened to catch the last few minutes of America's Next Top Model. The black guy on the show had on a hot pink sweater, with an enormous white bow tie, and a black mushroom type wig on his head. Needless to say, he stood out amongst the panel of people he was seated with. My dad was passing through the room, and his eyes were instantly fixated on this guy. My dad then proceeded to say, "That's why those faggots get their asses kicked in the streets! Fucking faggots get on my nerves!" I told my dad that's not the reason why homosexuals are attacked. And he didn't understand my statement. Now keep in mind my dad is one of those old school cats, so he isn't receptive to what he may consider "different." But I digress. In response to my statement, he just kept saying that "they" shouldn't be that way; "fucking faggots!" I told my dad the reason why homosexuals are attacked is the same reason why black people were lynched, or Jewish people had to suffer the Holocaust. Homosexuals are attacked because of ignorance and intolerance. When people decide to beat or kill someone simply because they're different, then that's the height ignorance and intolerance of the next individual. My dad simply said, "Well," and then sat quietly as he pondered what I said. Would you believe a week later he went back to his sentiment of homosexuals?

Too Late

2009-03-22T14:00:00.003-05:00

I can remember as a kid how badly I wanted to go to Disney World. I always thought that the "rich kids" were the only kids fortunate enough to go. The only family vacations we ever went on was to Roxie, Mississippi to visit my grandmother for the summer. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed that as kid, and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I always wondered what it would be like to travel to different places. As I matured, I accumulated some independence, and I started going out of town with my cousins. Once I got to law school, I started travelling by myself. And once I got into my profession, I began to travel either for professional reasons or leisure. But the destinations were more conducive to my adult personality. I think after I made 27, I stopped thinking about visiting Disney World, so I didn't have an interest in spending a lot of money on an amusement park(s). If I'm going to spend over a thousand dollars for a trip, I want it to be serene, exotic, and adult with a sexy ambiance. As for Disney World, I think I waited too late in life to take in this experience. I don't regret visiting because I can add it to the list of places I've been to, but I know this is not on my "must do again" list.

Of the four parks, I went to Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios. I only enjoyed Epcot, and that was probably because of its educational and cultural aspects. Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios was an absolute bore to me. I think that's more for the young, or young at heart. Now my opinion of Disney World isn't law or gospel of course. Everyone else there seemed to be enjoying themselves. I've come to the conclusion that I'm the odd one. If you like theme parks and make believe fantasy stuff, then this is the place for you. If not, make sure you have kids with you if you plan to visit.

Music

2009-03-13T01:05:00.002-05:00

Anybody who knows me knows I love music. Its probably my one and only love. I've been known for saying this, so I will say it here on my blog page. I love music more than I love sex. An orgasm doesn't even come close to the feeling I feel whenever I listen to or play music. Right now, I'm listening to Jill Scott. Her latest cd is so close to perfect its unreal. The music and lyrics are phenomenal. Hence the title 'words and sounds.' Its a must have in the music collection-at least mine anyway....

"My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, fire. Didn't you know this, or didn't you notice?" That sentence alone says it all. Jill can write some some deep shit!

Off To A Good Start

2009-03-03T21:30:00.002-06:00

Its only been two days into my new found freedom, and so far things have been going well. I have been receiving a lot of good responses, good publicity so far, and I have a great outlook on things. However, I am faced with a crossroad right now. I was able to stumble across a law clerk job here in New Orleans, but there's a catch. I can't practice criminal defense in New Orleans. That's a problem because here is where I'm known and have a good reputation as an attorney. Criminal defense will have to be my bread and butter if I am going to build a practice and succeed in it. Its what I know and can specialize in at the moment. Of course I can practice criminal defense in the surrounding parishes, but it will take time for the judges in those parishes to get to know me as an attorney. It will also take time for me to learn how the other parishes operate in their courtrooms. I will have to think hard about this one.

Day In The Life

2009-02-24T19:07:00.005-06:00

This morning I woke up and decided to live life today. Last night, I took a couple of Xanax pills to relax and go to sleep. Otherwise I would have been up all night thinking. Today was a beautiful day. The temperature was perfect, and I figured most of the people in and around the city would be at the parades celebrating Fat Tuesday. Over the years, I've gotten bored with parades, so I typically don't go. I did attend the Endymion parade the other night and had to tell some fool that I wasn't moving off of the neutral ground that he had "blocked off" for him and his friends. I had my nephew with me, so I really didn't want to get too bothered by that jackass. I spoke my mind, and ignored him afterwards. But I digress. I left the house today around noon, and decided to have lunch at La Madeline's. I enjoy the food and the atmosphere there, so its not uncommon to find me there. After lunch, I decided to take in a movie. I needed something to make me laugh, so I paid $4.75 to see Tyler Perry's Mudea Goes To Jail. The parts with Tyler Perry playing Mudea was funny, but the story line could have been better, or should I say different. But that's for another blog. After the movie, I stopped at Sports Academy and bought a bike. I started to buy an air pump for my tires, but I think I will go back for that later. I wanted to stop at Best Buy to purchase India Arie's new cd, but it slipped my mind. By Friday, I should have my copy. I'm a huge fan of India's, and I want to give her all the support she deserves. India is truly one of the more talented musicians in the industry today, so she deserves my money.

On a sad note, yesterday I found out that a friend of mine since high school died this past Sunday. She just turned 36 last weekend, and she has left behind two beautiful young children and a husband. I won't go into the cause of her death because it makes me angry with the medical profession, or maybe the so called doctors in the profession. My friend was so full of life, joy and laughter. Her life was never an easy one, but she always kept going and lived life to the fullest. With that in mind, I decided to get my ass out of bed today and live life. I didn't want to sit around mourning her lost because that's not what she would have wanted. I will never forget her smile, her humor, or her warm personality. She was part of the three amigo's whenever we went out for a game of pool and drinks. It won't be the same without her. Life won't be the same without her. So in honor of my friend...Sharmain, I will always be thinking of you. I miss you so much and I love you friend. My only consolation is that you are now making angels in heaven laugh, and that you are no longer in pain. You no longer have to rely upon the imperfections of man, but the comfort of God. Rest peacefully in His arms dear.

The Most Over-Rated Holiday

2009-02-15T01:12:00.002-06:00

Perhaps I'm being cynical about this whole Valentine's Day crap, but I honestly think its a useless holiday. All it does is remind a person of the shit they didn't get. You didn't get roses, diamonds, candy, balloons, stuffed animal, or more importantly that engagement ring your ass been waiting on since Hec was a pup. Everything is over-priced, and Cupid is a chunky bitch flying around in a shitty diaper. Now, could it be that I am disgruntled considering I've been single since the age of 22. That's about 13 years but who's keeping track. Or maybe I'm just not into holidays as such. Truth be told, I'm no fan of balloons, stuffed animals, and I certainly don't need to be stuffing my face with candy. Roses are attractive to the eye, but hell its a bunch of dead flowers waiting to lose its aroma and stage of beauty. The diamonds on the other hand should be given on any day. Perhaps I'm expecting too much, but they are a girls best friend. Not to mention they certainly last a hell of a lot longer than the man who gave 'em to you, and they're worth more; monetarily that is. So this blog is for those who didn't have a Valentine. Join me in saying FUCK Cupid...Boy that felt good....

And So...

2009-02-11T23:39:00.002-06:00

Today was the day that I liberated myself from the ball and chain. I submitted my letter of resignation from the DA's Office. My last day of duty is February 27th. I honestly thought that I would feel not so good about resigning, but it was quite the opposite. I have no regrets about my decision. In fact, once I handed my letter to the respective recipients, I realized that my decision opened the door of possibilities for me. I have a Juris Doctorate; which in and of itself allows me to do almost anything I choose to. For the longest I have viewed the DA's Office as the be all end all. I, like many other attorneys, allowed myself to be mentally confined to the illogical thinking of not being able to sustain without the aid of an "employer." The realization is if I'm gonna bust my ass and give dedication to someone else for their complete benefit, then why not do the same for myself. Am I not worthy enough to receive the benefits and fruits of my own labor? Its that type of thinking that keeps us from reaching for what we really dream of. Its that type of thinking that keeps us depressed in our surroundings. Its that type of thinking that keeps us miserable in our professional and personal lives. If I didn't understand before, I understand now what it means to step out on faith. I'm not saying the road that I'm about to travel will be easy, but working at the DA's Office wasn't always easy either. However, I made it through. In fact, I gave that office six years of my legal career and life. Anybody who knows me personally certainly knows what I went through privately and publicly. But I survived it and was overall successful as a prosecutor. So why shouldn't I expect the same outside of that office. I will survive and be successful on my own. Like with anything, this too will take time, and I look forward to the challenge.

A Nice Day

2009-02-08T19:44:00.002-06:00

Today was simply a beautiful day. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and there was a soft breeze in the air. All the proper makings of spring. I woke up this morning, and had breakfast with my mom and dad. Because they recently switched to cox, I was able to watch VH1 Soul. I then decided to listen to some music through my favorite headphones. Around two o'clock, I decided to go to Starbucks. After leaving there, I drove up Magazine, and hit Audubon Park. Since it was so pretty, and I found the perfect parking spot, I walked the trail around the park. As I was walking, I did some thinking to myself. I also watched the children play, people jog, ride their bikes, play with a Frisbee or badmitton, kick a soccer ball around or throw the football. Not even the dogs bothered me. It was as if they were there for the same purpose as myself; to enjoy the outside beauty. After walking around the park, I drove the long way home, put on my skates, and skated around the patio in my parents backyard. Balance is everything people. I then washed my clothes, sat out on the patio, and read a book until the sun decided it was time to retire. It was too beautiful outside to sit inside all day and do nothing. Hopefully this will be my first step towards rejoining the rest of the world in recreational activities.

Checking In

2009-02-05T21:26:00.002-06:00

Hello all....I'm just stopping by for a while on my blog today. I've been a little too busy to even post anything, but next week I will give a more detailed update about my life and activities. In fact, I will post something next Friday. So if you're interested in the least bit, then stay tuned...

Holla back soon....

Just Another Black Film/Same Ole Story

2009-01-09T23:36:00.002-06:00

While I think Morris Chestnut is a wonderful actor, not to mention extremely easy on the eyes, its unfortunate that he can't get any other roles in Hollywood. Tonight my friends and I saw the movie Not Easily Broken. The movie was watchable, but I really get tired of watching the same people in practically the same movies with different titles. Not only did this movie have the same storyline as other black films, it also had too many characters with open ended stories. Thus, their characters had no closure in the film; which left the viewer with questions. It was like mini-stories within the main story. Therefore, the movie jumped around a little too much for my taste. I think for the most part, I'm bored with seeing black actors and actresses playing the same character(s).

For black actresses, she's either a woman in an abusive relationship who feels hopeless and intimidated by everything and everyone throughout the movie. But at the end of the movie she builds up enough strength to move mountains and fight back like Layla Ali. Or she's an overbearing woman who's career driven and afraid to love someone. Or she doesn't know how to love someone; which black men refer to as not knowing how to "take care" of a man. For black actors, they're either an exceptionally gorgeous devout christian family man with a blue collar job that black women simply refuse to pay attention to because they're looking for love in all the wrong places. Or he has a successful career, but is abusive to black women in some fashion. There's no diversity for our black entertainers. Hollywood will never recognize actors like Morris Chestnut because either he isn't offered roles or he refuses to take roles that will allow him to play a different character.

Another problem our black actors/actresses have is the movies they're cast in are typically considered "our movies." Hence, the film writers may be lacking in diversity as well because all they write about is the so called "black experience." Movies they believe black people only want to see or will only pay to see. My imagination expands far beyond movies about drug dealers, the life of a rapper, failed relationships/marriages, and poverty/broken homes in the black community. I don't want to see a movie like Hustle and Flow. I don't want to see a movie like Friday. I don't want to see a movie like How To Be A Player. If black film writers want to be taken serious in Hollywood, then they need to realize that their writings need to become more diversified with more diversified roles for our black actors/actresses. Just ask Will Smith who draws a white and black crowd to his movies. Will Smith didn't allow himself to get caught up in black cinema, and look how well its paying off for him. By the way, I absolutely loved Seven Pounds, and I Am Legend. Diversity folks....It works....

How Rude

2009-01-06T23:06:00.000-06:00

I really thought that moving back home with my parents wouldn't be so bad, but my mother is really annoying. Everyday, she's constantly telling me I need to get married, find a man, and have kids. If she isn't telling it to me, she's telling it to her friends or family over the phone. And the house isn't big, so I am in earshot of the conversation. Tonight I told her that a cousin of mine and her mother said I look the same as I did years ago when they knew me as a little girl in elementary school. My mother's response was, "They haven't seen your body so they don't know." I could have said something to her, but I decided not to. Besides she was on the phone with a friend of hers when she said it; which made it even more hurtful to me. As I write this, she is telling her friend on the phone how she should and is entitled to have more grandchildren. That really hurt my feelings. I'm going to bed....

Four Days In

2009-01-04T20:00:00.003-06:00

Since the beginning of the year, I have kept on track with my goals. I know its only been four days, but that's better than what I've done in the past. So far, I've managed to pay out two of my three credit card debts. YIPPIE!!!! What I haven't mentioned to you guys is that I have put myself on a six months to a year plan to have enough money saved to buy a house. I plan to clear out all of my debt (with the exception of my student loan of course) and be in a house by the fall of this year. I think that's a realistic goal. I have one more credit card bill to pay and that will put an end to my credit debt. After that, I will pay my back taxes to Uncle Sam and the State of Louisiana. By April, I should have that dark cloud removed from over my head. I have two other major plans that I am working on as well. Because they're both a work in progress, I won't give any details just yet. I'll just say Meredith knows what its all about. In my book, Meredith is cool people. She get additional stars because Tara likes her. If Tara givers her stamp of approval, then you must be doing something right.

WARNING!!!!

2009-01-02T19:35:00.002-06:00

If you are not in shape, and have not exercised in a hot minute, and want to play a few rounds of boxing on that Wii game, then I have a newsflash for your ass....

While the game is extremely fun, you will wake up the next morning with serious muscle pains all over your damn body. This is no joke. I suggest stretching for ten minutes prior to playing a game of Wii, and be sure to have a generous amount of water nearby to prevent exhaustion.

That damn golf get off...I've learned a thing or two about the game, and now I'm ready to buy some golf clubs and hit the course.

And Another One

2009-01-01T05:26:00.002-06:00

First, let me start by saying Happy New Year's to everybody. I didn't do too much to bring in the new year. My sister and I bought fireworks, put together some finger foods, bought some bottles for popping once the clock struck twelve, and we had a nice time. I brought in the new year with my family and played a few games on my nephew's Wii. I had fun with the bowling and golf games. I left there with the inspiration to buy my own Wii game. I made phone calls and sent texts to people I care most about to tell them Happy New Year's. I updated my Facebook to tell my Facebook friends Happy New Year's. If you didn't hear from me, then that means one of two things. Either I don't have your number, or you don't mean shit to me. Oh don't fell bad, it's nothing personal. Out of sight means out of mind to me. That will never change.

In hindsight of 2008, I'm realizing that the year flew by. I can only imagine how quickly 2009 will pass. In evaluation of myself on a scale of one to ten, I'll give myself only a six. I wasn't a good person last year, nor was I a good friend to many. In fact, I've allowed some people to exit my life without any explanation of my behavior. But what I have come to realize is that those who I've allowed to walk away, I don't think I really wanted them in my life in the first place. They were only there due to some extension of me. Not because they were a part of me. There's a difference. It all became too complicated. Too many people knew too much about me, and that was a huge problem for me. I've never been one to keep a large circle, but somewhere along the way the circle developed into having too many people on the inside. The more people in my circle, the easier it was for them to criticize me or my behavior amongst others in the circle as well. That too was a problem. The circle has now been reduced accordingly, so most are back on the outside looking in. For their sake, I hope the temperature doesn't drop any lower than what it is.

Major Changes

2008-12-29T22:33:00.002-06:00

So far, I have decided that I need to be a hell of a lot more serious about my health. If I don't do anything else for the new year, I need to do at least that. My doctor told me that my cholesterol level is slightly high. Because I know absolutely nothing about those damn numbers, I decided to get on the internet and do my homework. In a nutshell, my LDL and HDL is bad, and that ain't good. I've gotten slightly paranoid about the whole thing such that I read the labels of everything I buy in the grocery store just to make sure what I am buying doesn't have any cholesterol or saturated fat. My doctor mailed a diet plan she wants me to start, but I haven't gotten it in the mail yet. I will have to call her tomorrow and just go pick it up. I have been eating Honey Nut Cheerios like crazy. I have to get on a strict diet for at least three months before I do another blood test. I got the news about my health right before Thanksgiving. I knew it would be a little difficult to maintain a strict diet around the holidays, so I decided to wait until the new year. I hope my cholesterol level hasn't gotten any higher in the meantime.

Guess Who's Back

2008-12-21T01:13:00.002-06:00

I've decided to come back to my blog. Some things have happened in my life. Some good. Some bad. Some I wish I could change. Some I don't care to change. My attitude about things have changed and my perspective on life is changing. I intuitively believe that next year will be better for me overall. Through therapy, I have decided to set new goals for myself, and so far things are coming along in my favor. But I don't want to get ahead of myself.

I've changed the layout of my page; which represents my current state of mind. Its bright and its also indicative of what I think of my future. I've put a few people at arms length, and nobody closer than arms length. I'm still single, and I have every intention of keeping it that way for now. I don't want to give it all away, but I will write as my life/story develop. This will be a building block for all to see.

K.I.T.

BRB

2008-09-13T18:44:00.002-05:00

I have decided to take a break from blogging for a while. I'll return when I want to share my life.....

Ain't This A Bitch

2008-08-27T20:26:00.002-05:00

On this very day in 2005, I fled the city to get away from Hurricane Katrina. Now here it is, I may have to run from what will eventually be Hurricane Gustav once it enters the Gulf of Mexico. If New Orleans suffer another destruction, then I need to seriously reconsider staying the hell out of this city. I have a place where I will store my cd's, my tv, my dvd/cd player, and my keyboard. That way all I will have to bring with me are my clothes. I may bring my keyboard with me just in case I need to occupy my time should I be gone for an extended length of time. Mentally I don't feel like dealing with this shit. All I see is the devastation Katrina left and how everybody had to start over. I can see the mold in my old apartment as if it were yesterday, and I can see how badly damaged my friends and family houses were destroyed. All of my shit is probably still sitting in that abandoned complex that hasn't been demolished. It serves as an eyesore and a reminder everytime I pass by it. I truly hate this time of the year. Maybe a move to Virginia won't be so bad afterall.

My Weekend

2008-08-10T21:05:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I drove to Mississippi to spend time with my grandmother. It was long overdue. When I went to sleep Friday night, I realized the last time I saw my grandmother was for my cousin Angie's funeral. That was a ruff period in my life. Angie was killed in a car accident shortly after the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. I had just moved back into the city, there were still reminders of the destruction around, and then Angie's death. It was just one blow after another. I remember at her funeral I kept asking myself how will I be able to come here and not see her smile, or hear her witty jokes. Over the weekend, I realized that I stayed away from Mississippi because it was just too painful. It was the place I ran to escaping the storm. It was the place I was forced to live in because I was basically homeless. It was the place I travelled to and from work in New Orleans because I had no where to sleep in the city. It was the place where I felt like an outcast because so many people were criticizing people affected by Katrina. It was the place where my cousin was killed. It eventually became the place I stayed away from. But this weekend made me see just how much I still enjoy being with my family. Hopefully I will never stay away that long again.

This weekend, we also lost two icons. Isaac Hayes who was an icon in the music industry. He contributed so much to music. He was probably the epitome of soul music in the 70's. He brought a unique sound of strings and percussion to our ears that will forever reverberate in our lives. Isaac Hayes will be missed.

Another icon we lost suddenly was comedian Bernie Mac. His death really saddened me. It's been on my mind all weekend. Bernie Mac was one of the very few comedians who knew how to tell a joke. His smile alone made you smile with anticipation of what he would say next. You knew whatever he said, it was going to be funny. Bernie is now among the stars with another icon of comedy; the late, great Richard Pryor. I will really miss Bernie Mac. I will end this post with a quote of one of my favorite jokes from Bernie.

"But I'm gone tell you one muthafuckin thing. The next time I see that muthafucka, and he ain't got my muthafuckin money, I'm gone bust him in his muthafuckin head. And I'm out this muthafucka!!!"

Bernie Mac/ Original Kings of Comedy

Goodnight Uncle Bernie....

Not So Easy

2008-08-06T21:33:00.003-05:00

My session today was a ruff one. For a moment, I forgot where I was, and found myself feeling as if I was being held captive in my bedroom all over again. I tried to shake it off and go to work, but I couldn't. I had fallen a little to deep in what happened. The conversation I elected to talk about took me there. I think I also became upset when my counselor impressed upon me the strong possibility that my mother may have been raped. I know about incidents between my mother, a few of her female siblings, and the men in and out of their lives. Sexual battery was clearly there, and the rape of her youngest sister at the age of twelve or thirteen was there. But my mother being raped was something I didn't have any evidence of. But my counselor thinks that because my mother have always told me that every man rapes a woman at least once in his life, then its likely she was raped as a child. I think that's why my mother down plays what happened to me. It's probably so common place in her life as a child, that it's just something a person should "get over." With that in mind, I definitely don't want to discuss what happened to me with her because it may prompt her to remember some things that she would rather forget. I don't want to put my mother through any of that if that is the case. I just have to learn how to respond to my mother in certain conversations, and make sure I don't obsess over any of her comments to me regarding counseling, marriage, and children. That one hour of counseling impacted me severely.

It Only Took Five Years And Three Months

2008-07-30T22:39:00.002-05:00

Today I had the chance to experience something I have only seen happen. Usually when I am in the courtroom, I am the one asking the questions to witnesses. Today was different. I was the one answering the questions. I was called to the witness stand to testify. I had so much fun. I have always wondered what it felt like being up there on the witness stand. I wondered if I would be nervous, or if I would remain calm. Needless to say I was calm, and did quite well. I was hoping for more questions, but my testimony only lasted about ten minutes. So as it stands, I am calm as a prosecutor, and as a witness. Maybe I just love being in a courtroom. Don't misconstrue what I am saying. I certainly don't miss the stress of being in court on a daily basis, but nonetheless, I do like court.

Other than that, my day was good. I will end this post with a riddle that my cousin sent me in a text message tonight. I got it right. I told it to my sister and she got it wrong. I want to see how many others are smart like me. It's relatively easy, but it can trick a person. It reads as follows: If you have 10 fish, and 5 of them drown, but 3 came back to life, how many fish were left alive?

Read The Signs

2008-07-26T22:07:00.003-05:00

I really like my sign. It really helps me understand who I am, and why I do the things I do. I also think I harbor some proud feelings about being a Sagittarius. After all, we're thinkers, seekers of truth, smart, possess a very high sex drive, and are quite charming to others. However, we do get bored very easily. So its up to the rest of the world to keep our attention, or else you risk losing us. We typically don't like to be tied down by relationships. But we stick around provided or mate understands that we have to have our space when needed. The flip side to this is when we "fall in love" with someone, we really fall hard for that someone. It's almost like an obsession. So believe it or not, we really know how to give our undivided attention to someone. Its just that it has to be on our terms with the appropriate space given. The picture says a lot about us. We are a sun sign. We are half human and half animal. Therefore, we have animal instinct (that sex drive discussed earlier), and we are athletic-even if we battle the bulge. But we love the outdoors. We're the archer; meaning we aim for knowledge, aim to be free, we aim to know something past this life; which is why philosophy is extremely important to us. I honestly don't think there is any other sign that compares to ours. I don't get caught up in which sign I am compatible with, because I believe other signs either want to be us, or want to be with us. Because we are constantly changing and re-inventing ourselves, people of other signs are intrigued by us. I know my birthday is months away, but this should give you some indication of how important my sign is to me. I am trying to figure out how I want to celebrate my birthday this year. First, it was Vegas and extending invitations to select people. Then it became celebrating with no one and visiting a place I have never been to. Now its a small party at Beau Rivage with an even smaller group of people. That may change also. I am not certain, but I have to figure out something. I will be turning 35 this year, and I have to do something memorable. Something that will make me look back and smile. Something that will give me an incentive to top it in the next five years. Something that gives me a reason to live and be happy that I am alive.

Music And Sleep

2008-07-20T22:13:00.002-05:00

This weekend I did what I love doing most. I listened to music, and I slept. My intentions were to hang out a little more this weekend, but as usual, I chose not to. Yesterday I listened to music and played around on the internet for most of the day, then I slept. This morning I got up around 6:30 and ate breakfast. I went back to bed, and then I got up just in time to go catch the 5:00 showing of The Dark Knight. I don't know who this Heath Ledger guy was, but he did a damn good job with his role of the Joker. Best I had ever seen, and that's counting Jack Nicholson when he played the Joker. This is probably the only making of the movie that I actually like. All of the other Batman movies sucked in my opinion. For that reason, I had my reservations about seeing this movie. But in the end, my money was well spent. It only cost me $5.50 to see the movie, so that put me in a great mood. I don't think it should cost more than that to see a picture on the big screen.

In a few minutes, I will be getting ready for bed again. I hope I fall asleep tonight. But before I go, I want to share a "yo mama" joke with you guys. Someone told it to me and I thought it was funny.

Yo mama pussy so nasty, they put her shit on fear factor to see if anybody would eat it.

I laughed my ass off at that one.....

It's All Good

2008-07-19T14:45:00.002-05:00

My week was pretty good I must admit. I was steady with my mood (there was a minor incident in session this week, but that didn't affect the rest of my week), I didn't stray out of the diet I am trying to implement, I didn't drink any alcohol, and I stuck to my exercise regimen for the week. I spoke to my sister this week. Not only did I call my parents twice this week, I also went by the house. I still have to get to a point that I stop looking at the gas needle on my dashboard everytime I drive over five miles though. Gas is just out of control, and that's all I am going to say about that. I wish I had stock in that shit right about now. But anyway. I also did something yesterday that I am sure no one would ever anticipate me to do by myself. I went to Wal-Mart. It was either that, or drive a little further to Winn Dixie for a few items. So I put my feelings of hate aside for Wally World, and kept telling myself all the while I was there that this doesn't have to be a bad experience. I managed to get the first parking spot on the row directly across from the store. I got a clean buggie. There was only one pair of pants on the floor. The isles weren't cluttered with pallets or packed with people. And there were people in the 20 items or less checkout lane with either 20 items or less. Yes I counted the number of items people had irrespective of whether they were ahead of me or behind me. It still isn't fair if someone behind me has more than 20 items because the person behind that person has to suffer and endure Wal-Mart longer than what any rational person should have to tolerate. The only thing that bothered me was seeing 30 checkout lanes, and only eight were open. I guess that will never change. I have decided to try and pace myself better day by day. I have picked up other hobbies to occupy my time during the day so that I don't get consumed with my thoughts. I won't share what my new hobby is unless I master it. That is my new secret challenge for myself.

Just To Set The Record Straight

2008-07-14T15:35:00.002-05:00

I deleted my last blog post due to a certain reaction that stemmed from it. I want everyone who read my last post to understand this. That post was about me being confused over whether I believe in God. It was also about whether I believe in love. It was not written with the intentions to make people think I was/am suicidal. It was written purely from the standpoint of suffering with confusion over some things in my life. I was not thinking about harming myself when I posted that entry, and I am not thinking of harming myself now. I do understand why some readers may have interpreted my last post in that regard. I apologize for any imminent fear imposed to the reader(s), and I appreciate their display of concern to an extent. I do have my side of the story regarding yesterday's actions that I will express to the appropriate people. Again I apologize, and will reconsider allowing my blog to be published to any and all viewers in the future.

Think For Yourself 101

2008-06-29T18:53:00.002-05:00

Recently I have been on our Kennedy web page entertaining forum discussions. For the most part the conversations are interesting, but not intellectual. People are leaving their opinions, but have a tendency to get upset when other people leave an opinion adverse to their opinion. How do I know they are upset? Because they end their comment with, "but everyone has an opinion and this is mine." Another problem I am finding is that most of the people commenting have nothing of substance to back their argument. They'll spit out a few quotes from the bible that is tailored to their opinion and keep reciting that same verse. I'll comment whenever my name is mentioned for feedback, but I am really getting tired of the forum discussions that are political/religious in nature. Which leads me to the reason for this post.

It's been a while since I have entertained the topic of religion/the bible with other people. One reason why I have stayed away from it is because I have found that most people love to quote the bible, but hate to read it. That is one of the most absurd things I have heard of. How can a person quote something as a point of reference and not know the contents of what they're quoting. Second reason why I have stayed away from these types of discussions is because people don't like to read and learn things on their own. People would rather have the bible spoon fed to them. Therefore, they only know the interpretation of the person lecturing to them. Maybe that's why I have such a huge problem with going to church. I really have a problem with someone else giving me their opinions and interpretations of the bible. Perhaps that's why I like the law so much. No matter what the law is, everyone has an interpretation of it, and the courtroom is where we argue those different interpretations. But the bible is different. Everyone wants to believe that there is only one interpretation. That may be fine, but what do you when you find discrepancies in the book you were taught to believe in and rely upon. Here is an example of one of those discrepancies.

Let's start with the very beginning of the bible. The book of Genesis. More specifically Genesis; chapter one; verses 26-28. Those verses read as follows:

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Clearly in the very first chapter God created man and woman. Those verses can be interpreted that way. So one would imagine that the earth now has a man and a woman upon it, and more people would soon follow from those two people. Right? But wait.....Let's read further. In the second chapter of the book of Genesis, there is another creation. This took place after God put Adam in the Garden of Eden. Let's read it. More specifically Genesis; chapter 2; verse 15 which reads:

And the Lord God took THE MAN, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Now what happened to the woman God created in the first chapter? Why would God only take "the man" and not the woman who was created for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying? Well let's read further. More specifically Genesis; chapter two; verses 20-24 which reads:

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be call Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Now think about these first two chapters. Why is it that there are two different times when a woman is created in this bible? Could it be that Adam had two wives? Could it be that the first woman didn't work out, so God created another one? Whatever the case may be, its obvious that there are discrepancies in the bible. Its obvious that whoever wrote this book, wrote what they wanted the readers to read and believe. Even if there were scriptures written for the purpose of history, those scriptures certainly have been altered.

I will give another observation of mine. The "immaculate conception" of Christ. I don't believe it. The only reason why people believe it is because they don't want to doubt God. While I don't doubt God, I doubt what the authors of the bible have conveyed to us all of these years. As children we were taught that Mary, the mother of Christ, became pregnant by way of the Holy Spirit; i.e. she was a virgin, yet conceived a child. Impossible. The very first book and chapter (the book of Matthew) in the new testament starts off going through the entire line of David eventually leading to Joseph. Joseph was the man Mary married who eventually gives birth to Jesus. Now if Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, then why does the entire old testament discuss the lineage of Noah, Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon, etc. According to the old testament, Jesus came through this lineage, and its also reiterated in the new testament. If Christ was of an "immaculate conception," then why does all of this lineage matter? Why is lineage highlighted throughout the majority of the bible? Lineage shouldn't matter if Christs' birth was of an "immaculate conception." Particularly if Mary was a virgin when she married Joseph, and Joseph considered leaving Mary once he found out she was pregnant. If the immaculate conception is true, then Christ didn't come through Joseph's line as the old and new testament would have the reader believe.

I guess I said all of that to say this. Read for yourself and think for yourself. Don't believe something just because you've been taught that's the norm in society. After all, what or who classifies what is normal and what isn't. That's another post at a later date. I think I have put enough on y'all minds with this post.

Crime and Punishment

2008-06-26T22:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday in the news, a decision recently rendered by the United States Supreme Court was issued to the public. Our nation's highest court ruled Louisiana Law regarding the death penalty for capital rape is unconstitutional. In Louisiana, rape of a child age 12 and under was an offense punishable by death until yesterday. The court's reasoning was that the death penalty for such an offense is not only too harsh, but was rarely ever administered in various states. All five of the liberal justices voted against the death penalty being administered for such offense. All of the conservative justices disagreed. They were of the opinion that such an offense is the ultimate act of violence that could ever be committed upon a child--I agree.

As an adult who was subjected to sexual assault, it has been difficult for me. I can only imagine that experience for a child. All of that child's innocence is lost and can never be restored. That child has been robbed of so much. The ruling just didn't seem fair to me. The legal side of my mind believes that a life sentence is better for the offender because that person will be raped in prison. Its a fact that prisoners have no mercy for convicted rapists of children. That is the hell on earth they should be subjected to. But there is a part of me that is attached emotionally; which clouds my legal opinion. I am of the theory that the crime of rape is worst than committing a murder. Having to live with the nightmare of being subdued against your will, being treated as if you have no say in what is taking place, and having to bare the physical pain during the incident is not a good feeling. Then comes the mental pain that lingers on in your mind dictating how you live and interact with people. The nights are long when you're in bed tossing and turning because every time your eyes close, all you can see is yourself being raped; literally feeling the physical pain you felt at that moment in time. Its been hard as hell.

I accept the ruling. I don't have a choice but to. However, it is a difficult pill to swallow.

Basic Instinct

2008-06-24T21:27:00.002-05:00

According to Webster's Dictionary, the definition of instinct is: 1: a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity; 2 a: a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason b: behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level.

This word in interesting to me now. At my counseling session tonight, it took me forty minutes to understand what it was my counselor was trying to get me to see. For as long as I have been living, I have ignored a certain instinct in me. This instinct that I have neglected is what prompts other people to decide to take a chance, get to know someone, and perhaps develop a relationship of some sort. For weeks now, a friend of mine has been repeating the word companionship to me. I honestly could not understand what in the hell she was talking about. I have never understood why anyone sought companionship. Its not something I have ever sought, or wanted to explore. Ever since I was six or seven, my mother taught me that the only thing I ever needed a man for was a "good fuck," and that was it. I have always been taught and raised to take care of myself, and never fall in love with a man. So whenever I met a guy, I would look at him physically to see if he was someone I'd like to have sex with. After sex, I lost whatever interest I had in him. I've never looked for anything past sex with men. With the exception of one man, I have never sought a relationship with any of the men I have had sex with. The one exception was a decision made after I was raped of course. I was too scared to get to know anyone new. I later realized that I didn't really want to be in a relationship with him either. Out of fear, I was trying to force something that wasn't there. Tonight I realized that ever since the latter part of my teenage years, I have only been interested in men for sex and that's all. Sex was my reason for befriending a man.

Here's why the definition above is important. A "...complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason." To me, that definition means that instinctively people respond to certain things because its just something within us. There is no conscious or aforethought to love. There is no reason to companionship, marriage, love, etc. People respond to those things because that's just within us as humans, and maybe that's just our inner purpose; which requires no reason or logic. Its been my experience that no one can articulate why they love someone. They just do. And no reason has to be attached to it because its an unconditional love; I suppose. But with me, its just the opposite. In my mind, there is a reason for everything. A reason for everything I say and do. My life is dictated by logic. In my mind, B has to logically follow A. If that doesn't happen, then it doesn't make sense to me. Love is something that has never made sense to me because it couldn't be explained to me. And I didn't take the time out to understand it because it was so "complex" to me, and didn't "involve reason." I guess all this time I have been viewing things wrong. All this time I have been ignoring that "natural impulse" that doesn't require reasoning. All I had to do was explore its possibilities. Imagine that....

Happy Birthday Friend!!!!!

2008-06-22T19:26:00.002-05:00

This blog is for my best friend. Today is her 35th birthday. Ordinarily in the month of January she whines and complains that June 22 is "just around the corner." But this year she didn't say a word about it. She took aging gracefully like a woman. The good thing about my friend is that she still looks young and good for her age. I normally get her a birthday cake, but this year I didn't. For some reason, I am focusing on how I will spend my 35th birthday.

I must say my friend has done well. A house, car, two beautiful daughters. She has been blessed tremendously, and I am certainly happy to have her in my life.

Happy Birthday Tara!!!!!!

My Visit To The Psych

2008-06-16T16:17:00.002-05:00

Recently, a friend of mine has been bugging me about marriage/dating and going to church. She is slowly starting to remind me of my mother. My mom nags me about getting married, having children, having a companion, and going to church. Because I don't want to be bothered with my mother's constant song, I limit my conversations with her, and visits to her house. While my friend is not exactly like my mother, she is beginning to sound just like her. Somewhere around the same time she has managed to preach to me about marriage, relationships and church all at once. She thinks that church will make me happy such that I won't have to take my medicine for depression. I am not feeling her on that marriage shit, and I am hardly feeling her on the whole church thing. But I do understand and appreciate her concern for me. I want her to understand how I feel however. Simply because marriage and church works for her, doesn't mean it will work for me; at least not now particularly when its not what I want right now. Today I asked my doctor if he thought I should go to church as opposed to taking medicine for my depression. The answer my doctor gave me was: (1) go to church if that is what I want to do; (2) it would be beneficial for me to go to church to improve my social life; (3) find a religion or church that I am comfortable with and like (meaning research other types of religions because I may not be a fan of western religions but I might like eastern religions better); and (4) don't stop taking my medicine if I go to church because they both can work together. By that he meant if my depression came from not going to church, then going to church would help me and not the medicine. But because the medicine has helped me improve, then its the medicine and not church that has helped with the chemical imbalance that I have. My doctor thinks that going to church would give me hope and it would help me get to know new people that may share some of the same beliefs as I do, but he is against me not taking my medicine. He used the example of someone with diabetes. Would you tell a person who is a diabetic not to take their insulin, instead go to church and that will make them well. The answer is no. My doctor said he would encourage both. I liked his answer. He understands in the African-American community that mental health is something that isn't sought. He is absolutely right about that. Black people have this theory that the bible cures all. Or if you believe in God then all of your woes will disappear. I don't believe that. I think people who suffer with mental illness should seek medical attention just like people who have physical illnesses. And yes depression is an illness. Its not just "all in my mind," or will "go away if I pray on it." Its something that needs to be addressed by seeing a physician. To bad many people don't understand that. I think I have made progress with the medicine I am currently taking. I can't stress enough that if I wasn't taking any medicine, then I would have likely killed myself or at least attempted to. Its hard to explain what its like living day to day thinking that I should kill myself and end my misery. It was a thought that just sat on the forefront of my mind preventing me from focusing on anything else in life. In a lot of ways, I don't want to explain it because I don't want people to see that deep level of depression in me. Believe me friend, its better that I take medicine, or you would be visiting me in a psychiatric ward or at a grave site. Taking the medicine helps me focus on something other than what caused the depression. I am sure there is someone who may say that my life is not as bad as I think it is. Through their eyes, they may be right. But being raped in February '05, then six months later losing all of my belongings in a hurricane turning my life upside down even more so, and having a stressful job kind of changes a persons perspective on life. Its easy for someone to see me and say, "she got it made." But no one is able to see how I feel on the inside to measure my unhappiness. Hopefully whoever reads this will understand, and not tell me I am wrong for looking at things the way I do. If I thought I could bounce back from all of that, then I would have done it a long time ago. My method didn't work, so I had to give the medicine a try.

As for church, I have never been big on it. I only went because I was forced to go as a child. Just like school. Right now, I am not interested in joining a church. Maybe that will change in the future, but I am not interested in any particular western religion and I am not interested in a non-denominational church because its no different from a denominational church. Only difference is its not a religion that teaches the same principles I already know from my own upbringing and reading. I think I am searching for something different, so I will take the advice of my doctor and look into eastern religions.

As for that marriage/dating/children part. I am not ready for that in the least bit, nor am I looking for it to happen anytime soon. Mentally I am not ready to share my life and space with another person. I am content with looking out for just myself and no one else.

Please try and understand that....

The Audacity Part II

2008-05-30T23:07:00.003-05:00

I had to respond to his audacity, i.e. his arrogance or boldness. I just couldn't remain silent like I did the night he raped me. I couldn't let him and everyone else go on thinking that everything was fine between he and I. I couldn't let him rape me again. I couldn't be a victim again. Most importantly, I couldn't be a victim in my own mind. I refused to sit silent letting things go like I did three years ago. So I responded to his audacity by leaving a comment on his page. He didn't like what I had to say, so he erased it. Not only did he erase the comment I left on his page, he also erased the comment he left on mine. My comment to him entailed a message advising him not to contact me because I don't want to talk to a rapist. I guess that didn't make him feel "ok." I am sure what he read scared him. I hope it scared him just as much as he scared me the night he sexually assaulted me. He was a coward then , and he is a coward now. His cowardice caused him to erase his comment and mine because he didn't want people to know his dirty little secret. After all, he can't have his image and reputation tarnished. He can't have his family and friends look at him differently and live with the shame of knowing that he violated someone in such a manner that civilized people in society would shun him and point fingers when he walked by. He can't live with the feeling of discomfort in his mind that people will talk about him whenever they see him, or identify him as a rapist. Everything was "ok" as long as I was quiet. Everything was "ok" as long as I didn't say anything about what he did to me. So to make sure no one discovered he is a rapist, the delete button became the mechanism that too would silence the truth.

But that wasn't enough for me. It wasn't enough that only he knew how I felt. I had to do more. I had to say more. I had to display the same amount of audacity as he did. I too had to be just as arrogant and bold as he. I had to tell someone else. I had to tell someone who could confront him about it. So I told his wife. Why did I tell his wife someone might ask. Because - I have protected him long enough. I have protected his wife long enough. I protected the both of them because I didn't want to hurt her or their two children. What I finally realized was that in the act of protecting them, my silence was eating me up on the inside. It was causing me to have sleepless nights, and unhappy days. It was preventing me from enjoying life because I was too ashamed of being raped. I felt like I did something wrong. I felt like it was my fault, and I have grown tired of that. He needs to recognize his fault in all of this and she needs to know about it. So to place her on notice, a request was made to her on her website to tell her husband not to contact the person he raped on February 13, 2005 at 11:30 pm. I am sure she read the comment because eventually it was deleted off of her page, and the only thing I feel is vindicated. I feel like I have lost weight. I feel like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe now he isn't feeling "ok." Hopefully now he is the one having sleepless nights and unhappy days. He rendered me powerless the night he raped me, but now I feel empowered. I feel like I am in the driver seat now. I feel like I have the upper hand, and there is absolutely nothing that he can do to take that power away from me. How audacious of me, i.e. arrogant and bold.

The Audacity

2008-05-29T23:14:00.002-05:00

Imagine my frustration when I checked my page on our high school website and saw a comment posted from the person who raped me. The comment read, "Hi, I'm glad to see that you are ok and doing well." At first I couldn't believe that he sent a message to my page, but what was more disturbing was the fact that he apparently thought it was ok to send me a message. That's a brave motherfucker. He got some big fucking balls!!!!! What would make him think that I am "ok" and "doing well?" Well now lets see.....He certainly doesn't know about the numerous hours I have sat on a sofa talking to a psychiatrist. He doesn't know about the weekly counseling sessions I attend to help me COPE with being raped. He doesn't know about the $500.00 deductible I have to pay yearly just to be able to take anit-depressants at a lower cost to help me focus and not be depressed because of his egregious acts upon me in my own home; and that deductible is just the tip of the iceberg financially. He doesn't know that I have had thoughts and some plans in the past to kill myself because of him. Nor does he know that I no longer feel comfortable in my home, comfortable with sex, or comfortable with myself. BUT HE CAN SEE THAT I AM OK AND DOING WELL!!!!!

I got on google and found out where Katy, Texas is cause I really want to kill him. He need to be damn lucky gas is sky fucking high!!!!!

Some Sense Of Peace

2008-05-21T21:54:00.002-05:00

For the past month, I have been logging onto a website that only Kennedy graduates have access to. Its our way of staying in touch with former classmates whom we haven't seen or heard from since graduating high school. Not to mention, its key for us also because after Katrina, our school was damaged badly, so the school system saw fit to not re-open it. Everyday people are joining the site and the one name I didn't want to see, I saw today. The person who changed my life drastically back in 2005 has signed on to the website. He graduated two years ahead of me. The good news is he is currently residing in Texas. That made me feel good. I dreaded the idea of crossing his path someday on the street here in the city. I truly hate this person, and I don't say that often about people. But I hope a hurricane rips through that part of Texas affecting his house only, and I hope that bitch die!!

What Is Ok?

2008-05-08T23:50:00.006-05:00

According to Webster's Dictionary, the word "ok" means to approve or authorize. For as long as I can remember, someone has always asked me do I have a favorite food, color, song, etc. I never gave it much thought because I didn't like the ideal of having to choose a favorite anything. Making a choice has always seemed so unfair to me, and it placed a certain level of stress on me even as a child. Still to this day making choices between something or someone is so burdensome. Therefore, I don't choose, and take the attitude that I can live with it or without it. It wasn't until I was maybe 31 years old that a friend of mine made me realize that I categorize everything as "ok." My friend, out of damn near ten years of knowing me, never heard me say I like or dislike something; it was just "ok." That prompted me to realize that I don't have a favorite food, color, song, etc. In my mind, having a favorite anything would be too much like committing to something more than something else. That in and of itself just doesn't sit well with me. Needless to say, my pondering on this realization didn't stop there. The next thing that I realized was everything that I characterized as "ok" really meant that I didn't have much interest in something or I didn't put much thought into something. The next question to myself was why. Why don't I have a significant interest in things? So I decided to pick something that I was interested in other than music. Problem was I couldn't pick anything. To me that was strange. There had to be something I was interested in. Something that was more than just "ok." But there wasn't anything, and for weeks I kept saying the word "ok" to myself. It was a word I just couldn't stop thinking about. Then it finally hit me why that word is so popular in my life. Ever since I was child, I have been told what is "ok" and what isn't "ok." I then realized that I'd never made the decision that something was "ok" or not "ok" because the decision was already made for me. I had no choice in determining what I thought was "ok" or not "ok." Then all of a sudden I began to remember. I remembered what was "ok" and what wasn't "ok."

It's not ok to joke around because she didn't raise a fool.
It's ok to be seen and not heard, but it's not ok to be quiet all of the time because she didn't raise me to be snobbish.
It's ok to speak to people, but it's not ok to be around people because it's better to stay to myself.
It's ok to be nice to people, but it's not ok to consider people as friends.
It's ok when people compliment me, but it's not ok to compliment myself; that would be arrogant.
It's ok for people to recognize my accomplishments, but it's not ok to tell people what my accomplishments are; that would be boastful.
It's ok to visit family members, but it's not ok to spend time with my family because my family doesn't care about me, or like me.
It's ok to use a man only for sex, but it's not ok to have sex before marriage.
It's ok to tell my mother what's making me cry, but it's not ok to cry about it in front of her; she raised me to be stronger than that.
It's ok to curse at people when they hurt me, but it's not ok to cry in front of people when I am hurt; that's a sign of weakness.
It's ok to fight back because it represents strength, but it's not ok to express my anger because it represents defeat.
It's ok to get married, but it's not ok to trust men.
It's ok to get a career first and then a family, but it's not ok to put my career before my family.
It's not ok to be single because people will think I am gay, but it's also not ok to be seen with different men because people will think I am a whore.
It's ok to have male companionship, but it's not ok to express to a man how I feel about him.
It's ok to practice monogamy, but it's not ok to have sex without a condom when I get married.
It's ok to always look perfect in public, but it's not ok to care about what other people think of me.
It's ok to be myself no matter what, but it's not ok to let people get to know who I am.
It's ok if I'm not the best so long as I tried, but it's not ok if I don't succeed because people are waiting to see me fail.
It's ok to be there for people who need help, but it's not ok to depend on anyone to help me.
It's ok to love people, but it's not ok to be in love because I will get used.

I am so confused about so many things that it makes me feel like I am lost. Because of that, I don't think what I think matters considering the way I think really aren't my thoughts.

The New Gig

2008-05-02T16:31:00.002-05:00

So far the new unit I am in is ok, but I don't think it will last very long. Nobody in rank appears to know what they are doing, nor do they know how to make it work. The only good part is I am out of the office all day. I will be surprised if the unit survives longer than a month. The more important question is what do I do after the unit fizzles out. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

The Hornets won the first round of the NBA playoffs, and I am happy about that. First people said we wouldn't make it to the playoffs. Then people said we wouldn't make it past the first round in the playoffs. Now people are saying we won't beat the Spurs. To all of the doubters all I have to say is this. It sure feels good to be where we are and prove y'all asses wrong. Even if we don't make it past the Spurs, I will still look forward to next season. The Hornets have set records and have broken records, and all they can do is speak in negative terms. I'll be fan no matter what. All the hater's can kiss our ass.

This weekend is the last weekend for jazzfest. Stevie Wonder is playing tonight. I really want to see Stevie, but I can't stand up for hours in a crowd and in the rain. Sorry Stevie. I guess I will have to play your cd's and be content with that. Yeah I can get in free to any jazzfest day I want, but I prefer to sleep this weekend and stay out of the rain.

Damn, Damn, Damn!!!!

2008-04-27T02:50:00.003-05:00

I owe the federal government TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS from last years earnings. It didn't hit me until this morning because I was already upset about something else when I recieved the news. What made me reflect on it was the sound of my friend telling me, "You made too much money last year." What? Who the fuck makes "too much money?" Is that even possible? Try telling a homeless person there is such a thing as making too much money. If you do, then that person should jump up and rob your ass. Remind me to do one of two things this year. Either have a child or stop working.

Goodbye Uncle Andrew

2008-04-16T20:25:00.002-05:00

About an hour after I got off of the phone with my mother last night, my cousin called me back and informed me that our uncle passed away. I didn't call my mother or my grandmother last night because I didn't know what to say to either of them. I finally gathered enough courage to call my mother today, but I wasn't able to get her on the phone. A few hours after that, I called my grandmother. She sounded fine. She was also in the middle of trying to figure out how to get her sons' body from Chicago to Mississippi. There is also an issue of burial expenses. Its been said that my uncle didn't have an insurance policy. I find that hard to believe. I am wondering if he had a will. Needless to say all of the legal questions came to me. Not that I mind that, but I don't feel comfortable calling my uncle girlfriend asking her about their finances and how she intends to help pay for burial expenses. I don't want to come across as disrespecful in her time of grief, but I do understand why the estate is important. As it stands, Illinois doesn't recognize common law marriage, so their son would inherit my uncle's property. Unless of course there is a will my uncle left that we know nothing about. This is why it's important for people to leave behind a will. That way people don't have to guess about would have made the decedant happy. Of course, if there isn't one, then its a good thing there are laws in place to help resolve nasty battles. It would be something if my uncle intentionally decided not to leave a will and his last lucid thoughts were to let us deal with it after he died. Maybe he figured we needed something to do, or fight over. In any event, I don't plan on doing any fighting for items that aren't mine. I'll sit back and watch. Maybe even referee and make sure nobody gets hit or hurt. That would be some funny shit.

Rest in peace Uncle Andrew....I will always be thinking of you and will miss you.....

I Hate Phones

2008-04-15T19:36:00.002-05:00

I am slowly getting to the point that I am no longer a fan of telephones. I am tired of people constantly calling me to complain that I don't call them. That is such useless conversation. But whats more annoying is someone telling me who I should call first. My mother has a brother who is in the hospital. In terms of the phone, the chain of events are as follows: My mother called me at 8:30 this morning, but I didn't answer the phone. She left a voicemail, but I never check my messages until the end of the day. My sister called while I was sleeping sometime this afternoon. I got a phone call from a friend of mine saying my sister was looking for me, so I called my sister back at about 5:15 this evening. My sister told me that our uncle is brain dead, so I figured that's what my mom wanted to tell me. Around 7:00 tonight, I called a cousin of mine to see what, if anything, she knew regarding the status of our uncle. She told me that he has a 50/50 chance of surviving. While I was on the phone with her, my mother called. My mother told me that my uncle is brain dead. At this point, I don't know who to believe. Either someone is brain dead or their not. Its times like this one that I need to sit down with the attending physician, and get an accurate account of where things stand. Anyway, I told my mother about the conversation I had with my cousin, and she got mad because I didn't call her first. Maybe I didn't call my mother first because I don't know what to say to her. Maybe before I dialed her number I was trying to find the right words for that conversation, but all she wanted to do was tell me who I should or shouldn't call first. I guess God saw that an argument was about to happen because my grandmother called my mother causing our conversation to be cut short; which was a good thing. I really do have a problem with petty dislikes, and my family is full of them. I am in no way saying that my family is the only family with stupid and childish problems. I just don't want to be bothered with it. Anybody and everybody in my family who knows me knows that I have a very low tolerance for ignorance. During tragic times like this, I don't think insignificant conversation should take place. It doesn't accomplish anything, and it builds longer bridges widening the gap.

We Tried To Tell Them

2008-04-14T14:01:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking about this for almost a week, but I didn't want to post anything and write in a negative tone about the situation. Last week a defendant literally got away with murder. The witness took the stand at trial and said she did not see the shooter in the courtroom. The reason why this annoys me so much is because this particular witness, along with another witness in a separate case, was the cause for our unit being disbanded. When our unit was screening the case, we recommended refusal because the witness and her mother were being a total pain in the ass, and the stepson of the victim was adament that he didn't see who was shooting at him. Never mind the fact that he told his dad (the deceased victim) to drive off because he "got a gun." That case was filled with a bunch of non-cooperating witnesses. However, our unit was made to look like we didn't know what we were doing. I am still somewhat sour about the whole thing, but I am getting better in terms of accepting that it happened. I am just waiting on the other case to come full circle because I am certain that will either result in a not guilty also, or be another dismissal.

Today I called in sick from work. I didn't feel like being bothered. I woke up in one of my moods. I slept the entire weekend which was the cause of me not taking any medicine. When I don't take that medicine, I swear I am a different person. It's almost like being Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. That shit is weird.

I went on my interview last week. I walked away feeling as though the interview went well, but I don't think I am the person to perform that job. I would hate to be the cause of the organizations' demise. There is way too much room for me to do what I want to do, and that isn't a good thing. I have come to learn in the past two years that I need rules, stucture, and deadlines. If I don't have at least two of those three things, I won't last very long in any profession or at any job. Also, I don't think I am at a point in my career where I want to stop practicing law. This job doesn't come along with anything remotely close to me practicing law. Don't get me wrong, the job has its perks. Positive ones I might add, but now is not the time for me to get into something like that.

The Week In Review

2008-04-05T18:44:00.003-05:00

Last week I was completely off track. I didn't want to get out of bed to go to work, and I arrived late to court every single day last week. It all went downhill when I went into the office last Saturday. I got there at 6:45 am, and I didn't leave until two o'clock. Having only one day off from the office really took a toll on me. I don't think I remained at work after I left court. Monday I wasn't feeling well, and Tuesday I felt drowsy because I took too much theraflu and a sleeping pill. Talk about stupid.

My best friend is too scared to go to Jamaica. She "can't be without her children for a whole week." Such a wimp. Truth is if her boyfriend had to leave out of town for a week for work or a vacation, you better believe his ass is gone. Not my crazy friend though. She'd rather sit at home and be like Ceily from the Color Purple. "You told Harpo to beat me!" I love that movie!!!!

For a while I thought I didn't have to stress over possibly leaving my job. I received an email this past week and I have a job interview this Tuesday. I hope I do well. I am somewhat eager to see what will come of all this.

A jury in Crowley, Louisiana found a man not guilty for the death of a young man who died at the hands of the bouncers at a popular nightclub in the French Quarters. That verdict should have been negligent homicide at least, and that's all I will say about that.

Hopefully this week will be better, and I will get back on schedule taking my medicine. The doctor told me that he knows when I am taking my medicine, and when I'm not. The outcome of that visit was I will be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life probably. Life's a bitch with a desire to be a widow....

She Didn't Do Bad

2008-03-25T20:38:00.002-05:00

So my best friend came by, and conducted my session in my counselor's absence. She did pretty good. I must admit there were a few moments when I almost cried during our discussion, but I fought it. The last thing I want is for the both of us to be crying. I really think my friend should have entered the field of psychiatry. She is an excellent listener, and she has a way of making me realize things about myself. She is just smart. Maybe that's why I love her so much. Thank you friend.....

Over the next few days, I will have a few things to think about and consider. While I have been sleeping at night, I couldn't stop my mind from thinking last night. I couldn't relax and fall asleep. Hopefully that won't be the case tonight. I plan to get up early in the moring and stop at the office before I go to court. I am hoping I won't be in court all day; which I shouldn't. I just have a lot of catching up to do, and victims to interview for upcoming cases. I am anticipating a phone call tomorrow that might change the current status of my career. I haven't posted anything in my blog about it yet, but by this weekend something should be posted about it. I am going to get ready for bed. I feel funny saying that considering its only 8:49 pm.

I wonder if my counselor is on a beach in Hawaii sipping a Mai Tai out of a coconut right about now. That's what I would be doing. :-)

Missing Element

2008-03-24T21:15:00.002-05:00

I want to start this blog by thanking my best friend for making alterations to her schedule so that my week could maintain some consistency. She certainly has a lot on her plate before, during, and after work. I feel guilty for even trying to occupy one hour of her time. I hope she doesn't think that I am being difficult with her, but I just want to make sure she has time to set aside for me. If not, then I certainly understand. Ordinarily, I sit with my counselor for an hour one day out of the week, and I get to talk about whatever I want to within that hour. Needless to say I talk about everything but what I should talk about, and sometimes my counselor does more talking than I do. But last week, I think I actually brought up a conversation about the most traumatic experience in my life. Because my counselor is enjoying Hawaii at this very moment, that's how my best friend comes into the picture. However, I am having second thoughts about talking to my best friend as though she were my counselor. I guess I am having second thoughts because I don't want to add my stress to her. I sometimes don't want to talk to my counselor because I don't want to depress her, but she reminds me thats why I come to see her every week. However, its different with my best friend. I know I can talk to her about anything, and she knows everything about me. I am just scared she will see a side of me that may upset her. I've realized that the only time I discuss with my best friend what happened to me is only when she brings it up. Otherwise, I don't think I initiate much discussion with her about it. Having said all of that. I think it might be better if I wait patiently for my counselor to return so that I can resume my weekly sessions.

Yeah I Said It

2008-03-21T23:17:00.002-05:00

I have a few things to say, and I want to say them because they need to be said:

First and foremost.....FUCK BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!And to hell with everyone jumping on the bandwagon. When his ass say something of substance, then I will listen to him and take him seriously as a politician. I don't want to hear shit about hope, change, and the future. HOPE is as strong today and tomorrow as it was yesterday. In other words, hope just perpetuate itself with the assistance of people who don't know how to achieve what it is they hope for or are too stupid to realize what they are hoping for will never happen; like racial harmony. Why do I say that. Because there are people on this earth who only see race and nothing past it. Its sad but true. Nobody likes CHANGE unless they just broke a one-hundred dollar bill, and nobody is promised to live to see the FUTURE. So stop supporting this empty rhetoric. Barack and his militant pastor can carry they asses back to Africa with that bullshit he preaching about.

Second....Black people are supporting Barack because he is black. So here is what I will do. I will follow this dumb ass logic and vote for Hillary Clinton because she is a woman and so am I. God forbid people support a candidate based upon issues that are important in this country. God forbid people consider whether a candidate is actually qualified to run the country. Only one-sided people think its okay to elect someone to run the country because of race. What kind of dumb ass thinking is that. And if people are going to say that they are supporting Barack because this country has never had a black president, then why can't they support Hillary. This country has never had a female president. There have only been male presidents and vice-presidents. But this just goes to show that women have to fight hard as hell to be taken seriously and noticed. Hillary has proven herself in politics over a span of years, and out of nowhere comes some half-breed who knows just the right words to say and not to say so that he doesn't piss off white people. And he knows all he has to do is tell black people he is running for president and that is enough. Don't worry Hillary. You will at least have my support on election day because I know what its like to be a woman in a profession where you have to force your way to the front, stand up, be heard, and be taken seriously as something other than a sex object to men.

Third....If Obama wins over Hillary, then I am voting republican for the first time in my life!!!!!

This Was A Good Day

2008-03-15T23:05:00.003-05:00

Coming off of a horrible two weeks, I enjoyed today. The only thing I didn't get to do was get my hair washed. So I have to wait a couple of days. I didn't fall asleep until about five o'clock this morning, but I crawled out of bed around eleven this morning. I took a bath, and headed out to Best Buy and completed my sound system upgrade. I have installed a four channel amplifier to produce the highs and mid-range sound for the five-way speakers in my car. I also installed a two channel amplifier for the sub-woofer I also installed. That way all the bass (the lows in the five way speakers) comes through the sub-woofer. I truly believe I have found love. My system sounds so nice. I have the sound that I want coming from my sub-woofer, and I have the sound being produced from my tweeters and super-tweeters. Now guess what else I am thinking of adding to my car. Take a second and think about it.....If you guessed it, then you are either a genius or you really know me. SATELLITE RADIO!!!!!!! I like the channels available on it. I think I will add that to my car in the next couple of weeks to come. I think this will be the car I commit to for a long time because of the installation. My sound system is like my road to freedom while driving. I love music just that much. I can listen to anything and watch anything on dvd in my car. It's like having a living room on wheels. I am so excited about it!!!! While I was waiting for my car at Best Buy, I decided to grab something to eat since I was hungry. The waitress was nice. For some reason she felt a little sorry for me that I was dining alone. Eating alone has never bothered me. It gives me time to think. So while I was eating my lunch, I decided to contact my cousin in Baton Rouge to see if she was at home. She was home, so I decided to drive there to see her. I haven't seen her since she moved to Baton Rouge from Wisconsin. Not to mention I haven't been to Baton Rouge since I graduated law school almost five years ago. Baton Rouge has developed so much, and I realized how much I enjoyed living in Baton Rouge. I am actually thinking about finding a job there and moving back. Its so much more peaceful there than it is here in New Orleans. And it helped me recapture what my life was like before all of the turmoil. I stayed with my cousin longer than I expected. I would have spent the night, but I didn't have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. I didn't have any of my medicine either. But I will make my way back there really soon.

In ending, I would like to thank Best Buy for my new found happiness, and I'd like to say thank you to my cousin for making me smile, laugh, and clown around like we used to do before our lives changed drastically. I guess sometimes you just have to say fuck it, and listen to all the great music from the 90's. "Luv ya" Pass!!!!

And Now......

2008-03-14T22:47:00.004-05:00

This week and last week was not kind. I feel pressure coming from every angle and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die. I am so tired of people expecting the world from me. I can't do it. I can't provide that much. I am running on E right now. All I have done for the past two weeks was drink and do drugs. This morning I didn't go to work and I didn't call in. I am back in this phase and I don't know how to pull myself out. Its so hard to say out loud what I am feeling, so I posted something on my poem segment to the right of this blog.

The Only Good News

2008-03-14T22:42:00.002-05:00

The only good news I have to report this week is that Janet cd is number 1 on Billboards R&B charts for the second week in a row. Her cd is also number two on Billboards Top 200. Well done J.....

Doubters

2008-03-13T00:25:00.002-05:00

To all of you who didn't believe it could be done. To all of you who decided not to buy the latest cd from Janet. Guess what.....Her cd hit number 1 on Billboard's top 200. That's all I have to say....."Do you like my style.....yeah that's sexy, sexy, sexy...."

Constantly Thinking

2008-03-08T21:04:00.004-06:00

For at least four nights this week, two pills of ambien has helped me fall asleep at night. One thing I have noticed before falling asleep is that I can't stop thinking about work, my fear of people, or being raped. Obviously that is the source of sleep deprivation. Thursday night I didn't take any ambien because after work I went out for drinks with co-workers. Apparently all of the judges decided to be assholes to the prosecutors, so for most of us it was a rough day. Because I had been drinking, I decided not to take any sleeping pills; therefore, I couldn't fall asleep. Last night I went out with a friend of mine to play pool, and I consumed more alcohol. I made it home around two in the morning, but I couldn't fall asleep until six this morning. My mind was constantly thinking about the same things. Alcohol no longer takes me away from my reality. The ambien; however, does. The only problem is I can't stay asleep forever. Between judges expecting the world of me, a job that I think about quitting on almost a daily basis, and a past I have difficulty confronting, I literally have nowhere to run. For the most part, I take comfort in knowing that the anit-depresant medicine is working really well. It helps me get through the day and I am in a good mood all day. Its only when I get in my bed at night that I become apprehensive and feel unsafe. I don't exactly know how to cure that defect, but its becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. I think I have found relief at night again in the ambien; even if it proves temporary. History has dictated that sleeping pills for me have an effect for about three to six months, and then stop working. I will enjoy my sleep while I can.

The Latest Release From An Icon

2008-03-03T18:20:00.002-06:00

For a week now, I have been listening to Janet's new cd titled Discipline. On a scale of one to ten, I give it an 8. I like all of the fast tunes; however, the slow songs I can do without. Two of them are a little too sappy for me, and the other two really don't catch my ear. My favorite tracks are: Feedback, Luv, Rollercoaster, and The One (featuring Missy Elliot). What I found interesting is that Janet didn't write any of the songs; so overall I am impressed with the fact that the writers were able to create songs that fit Janet. Usually there are two or three samples of other songs from other artists on her cd, but that is not the case with this cd. I have been trying to find out exactly where the cd is on Billboards, but that has been a little difficult to obtain. My expectations are that many people won't purchase her cd. I am sure that has to be hard for an artist who has been in entertainment since childhood. Janet is a phenomenon, but its tuff competing with young, fresh, new talent (or lack thereof). I think at this stage in Janet's career her fan base is what keeps her afloat. Unfortunately there are critcs who believe Janet should just hang up the singing career because of her age. Janet is 41 years old and still has a name in this business. That says a lot. I don't know many other artist who have been in the music industry over twenty years, and can still sell out a concert. By no stretch of the imagination should Janet give up on her music career. If she loves to do it, then to hell with the critics. I guess thats what critics are for. I just hope Janet realizes that the critics will find a reason to put her music down simply because of her age and her last name. As a fan, I will continue to buy her music as long as she keeps releasing cd's. Its the least I can do to show my support in a world and in a business that is so dead set on staying forever young.

The Single Life Part II

2008-02-28T22:41:00.002-06:00

For the most part, women say they don't want to be in a relationship because they haven't met that "special one," or "Mr. Right." So usually women are just blowing smoke or giving excuses for being single. However, this week has taught me something. The reality is I don't want to be with anyone on the serious tip. I have a friend who is in town. He and I have been intimate in the past, but I honestly don't want to be alone with him. I had so much anxiety when he asked me when could he see me. I knew at that point I am in tune with being alone. I can't be in a relationship right now. Someone once said to thy ownself be true. I agree with that 100%. One thing going to California taught me was that I shouldn't try to force something that doesn't fit. I tried that with once and it didn't work, and I don't plan on trying it again.

The Single Life

2008-02-24T18:12:00.002-06:00

This weekend I did absolutely nothing but sleep. Nothing different from any other weekend of mine. As I was lying in my bed under the covers, I realize that I don't want to be bothered with the outside world. But what I also realized is that I don't want to share my space with anyone. I like my quiet time. I like the solitude that I have. I invite being alone. And most importantly, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. During this past week, I saw how some men are controlling in a relationship. I saw how easy it is losing your identity. I saw how much responsibility comes along with being in a relationship. Not to mention the thought of kids. That scares the hell out of me. Now the flip side to all of this leaves me with the lingering question. That question is what am I so afraid of. Why am I so against relationships, marriage, family? Why am I so selfish to the point that all I want to do is spend my money on me and not share it with anyone? Why do wake up every morning hoping not to meet anyone that would spark some form of interest? I think the answer stems from my childhood. For as long as I can remember, all my parents have done is argue. Argue over senseless shit, and argue of valid shit. I have never seen any compromise, but I have seen possible infidelity on both parts. I have seen the pain of being in poverty. I have seen the embarrassment of not being able to adequately provide for a family. And I am all too familiar with feeling like a burden because my parents had to provide clothing, food and shelter for me. I felt like my parents would have been able to do more with and for each other if I were never in the picture. I am scared that if I ever got married I would have the same senseless arguments, and whatever child I have would be depressed just like I was as a child. When I think about all of that, it just doesn't seem worth it.

A Few Dumb Men

2008-02-18T18:47:00.002-06:00

I am not one to pay attention to too many things or people for that matter. The older I get, the more of a loner I seem to become. Not to mention since my best friend told me I was high maintenance, I really feel like I am better off by myself. If you didn't read the post regarding high maintenance women, its the February 9th post that I just posted today. But back to this blog. In my line of business I meet a lot of police officers. There have only been one or two to catch my eye over a span of five years, and even they didn't keep my attention span. I will admit there was one that I had sex with and I haven't called him since, but I can't help it if I lost interest in him after sex. In recent weeks, there has been another cop whom I found attractive, but I wasn't interested enough to find out more about him. One night he called to see if I needed him in court the following day. As Iwas talking to him, I heard a newborn baby crying in the background. I asked if it was his baby and he said yes. Because the baby was only four months, I figured it safe to assume that a woman was in the picture. With that in mind, I certainly didn't give him any additional thought. However, fatherhood didn't stop him from placing another call to me asking me if my phone call to him (weeks ago) was personal or business. The phone call was business and it was a return call to him regarding a case. I told him the nature of the call and I inquired into why he was asking. He told me he found me attractive. However, I had to be honest and tell him I figured he was at least involved with someone considering he has a four month old baby. He told me that he is married, BUT has extra-marital affairs. That was a huge turnoff to me. That conversation inspired this blog. Here is a list of things men do that turns me off.

1. I admire the honesty of a man who tells me upfront that he is married. What I hate is when he calls me everyday and have the audacity to ask me why I don't call him back or call him at all. Hey jackass.....you're married!!! I don't owe you no fucking explanation as to why I don't return your calls or call you at all.

2. I hate it when a man constantly call me knowing I am sick, and all he wants to do is talk about himself. Hey jackass....I am sick!!!! That's why I'm not answering the fucking phone. Quit calling me.

3. I hate it when a man constantly talk about how good they are when it comes to sex and how often he has to have sex. Hey jackass....if you have to tell a woman about how good you are in bed, that usually means you suck at sex!!!! Shut the fuck up.

4. I hate it when a man says the only thing a white woman can do for him is point him in the direction of a sister. Hey jackass....my last name ain't X or Shabazz. There's nothing wrong with interracial dating. Trust me when I say I look past color when it comes to men.

5. I hate it when a man pops up in court to talk to me because I didn't answer my phone, then sit around and wait until I am finish with court. Hey jackass....I am at work doing what I get paid to do. If I wanted to talk to you, then I would answer the phone when you call or call you back once I have realized that I have missed your call. Leave me the fuck alone.

If any one wants to add to the list of turnoffs, then feel free to amend. This is not the list in its entirety, but it certainly is a start....

Making It Through

2008-02-14T22:36:00.002-06:00

Needless to say, I kept myself occupied yesterday. The only time I thought about what happened on February 13, 2005 was when I stopped work for a few seconds to figure out what to do next to keep me busy. The good news is I didn't cry at all. The bad news is I haven't slept at all this week, and I can't remember the last time I actually fell asleep. I am beginning to think my body is deliberately fighting sleep. My mind can't stop thinking; therefore, I can't relax. It's such a struggle to go to sleep such that I find myself trying to force myself to sleep. Long gone are the days that sleep came naturally. In addition to three years passing, I would like to think that I am making affirmative steps towards healing. The main objective is to stop blaming myself. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I could have avoided all of this by not answering my phone when he called. I have been kicking myself for that every single day. I feel like I compromised so much just by answering the damn phone. I guess that will be one of my major regrets until the day I die.

Valentine's Day wasn't so bad. This year, my valentine was my nephew. I bought so much candy for him all he could say was wow. I also bought candy for four of my co-workers, my best friend, and her daughters. It actually felt good giving someone candy for Valentine's Day. I can honestly say this was the first time I ever bought candy for someone on Valentine's Day. It didn't bother me at all that I didn't get anything for the holiday. I certainly wasn't expecting anything considering I am a single woman. I don't think I have any admirer's, so I felt good about not getting anything. To receive something would have been stressful for me because I am not interested in anyone, and I don't want anyone to be interested in me. Having said that, I realize I am so opposite many other women who would love to get candy and roses just for show. Maybe I am a geek in disquise and just don't know it yet....

What Makes A Woman "High Maintenance"

2008-02-09T09:40:00.003-06:00

For the last week or so, I have been thinking about what makes a man call a woman high maintenance. My best friend and I were having a conversation over dinner, and she told me that she thinks I am high maintenance. I was shocked when she said it to me, but it made me think about what high maintenance really means. I did my research and found a definition I think defines what a high mainenance woman is to most men. A high maintenance woman is broadly defined as women who need many things (money, material goods, affection) to be happy. These women love dressing up whenever possible, and are obsessed with all aspects of their personal appearance and grooming in general. This almost obsessive attention to detail usually extends beyond their person, to their homes or apartments, their pets, and yes, even their men. In addition, they tend to be perfectionists, overachievers, self-centered, and a bit vain.

Quite frankly, I see nothing wrong with that definition because that is what most men look for in a woman. Most men I know love it when a woman dresses in the latest fashion. Be it business or casual/club scene attire. Men would prefer a woman who spends time grooming herself; i.e. hairstyle, manicure, pedicure, no excessive hair anywhere except on her head, fragrance, etc. Men certainly want a woman who keeps her apartment/house clean, and every man loves it when a woman spends money on them. So why is it that a man has a problem dating what he claims to be a high manitenance woman when that's the very woman he chooses or dreams about? The answer is men are so damn cheap that they don't want to spend money on anyone but themselves. Now I don't think I am high maintenance because I buy the things I want, nor do I wait around for someone to get it for me. It would be different if I expected a man to get the material things that I want, but I don't. I honestly think if I were in a relationship I still would spend my money on me because that's the reason why I work. I went to law school so that I could pamper myself whenever I see fit.

So to all the men who have a problem with so called high maintenance women I say this...... Get a better paying job bi-otch!!!!! Get rich bitch!!!!!!! LMAO!!!

An Enemy Of Mine

2008-02-08T18:32:00.000-06:00

I was in my office on Wednesday and I decided to rearrange the furniture in my office. Dust flew everywhere. I began to feel like all of the dust settled in my lungs. As soon as I walked inside of my apartment, my body started aching all over. It was difficult to sleep because no matter how I positioned myself, it hurt to lay down. I managed to go to court on Thursday, but I stayed home today. Unfortunately I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor to get a prescription for antibiotics. The earliest is Monday. So I have to suffer in silence at home until I can get some medication. I am hoping it will subside over the weekend, but even if it does it will resurface if I don't take the antibiotics. As it stands, for the past two days I have been feeling miserable. I honestly thought taking nyquil along with lunesta would really knock me out for at least eight hours. But at best, I only slept two hours. After two hours of sleep, I'd wake up and try to make myself fall asleep again. Right now the only things hurting on me are my eyes, head, ears, neck, and upper back. Thats a little better than my entie body hurting.

What Does It Mean To Be Free

2008-02-04T23:06:00.000-06:00

Its amazing how the opinion of another person can mentally bind you. I spoke with my mother earlier tonight and the conversation ended sour. My temper is relatively short these days; therefore, I have a tendency to say whats on my mind. But I left that conversation realizing that I am not comfortable with me based upon what she thinks of me. Its a shame that at 34 years old, I am concerned about what the next person thinks of me and how they think I should look. As a result of this level of discomfort, I realized that I am not free. I see myself as an unattractive, overweight person who is destined to be single until I look a certain way. Why do I think this way? Because that is what my mother keeps telling me. Its gotten to the point that she wants to dictate what I wear when I leave my home. Keep in mind that I don't even live with my mother nor does she see me everyday. When she does see me I am wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a pair of shorts; something comfortable that doesn't remind me of work. Therefore, she thinks I don't look decent when I leave my house, and I should dress better than I do just in case I "meet somebody to marry." According to my mother, no man will want me if I look shabby. Maybe that's true to an extent. But do I really want to be with a man that wants me to look like the next top model everyday including the times I am just lounging around. Now here's the funny part. If I tell my mother how much money I spend monthly in Brooks Brothers for clothes she would tell me I spend too much money. Go figure.....

Ironically, yesterday I purchased and read a book titled The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. The book has only 96 pages, so I read it within three hours. Its a very interesting read so I recommend it. A passage from the book reads:
And an orator said, speak to us of freedom. And he (the prophet) answered....You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief, but rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.

That passage, among others in this book, made me think. All of the things that my mother says to me, or what other people may think, or even what I think weighs heavlily on me. But its only when I don't succumb to it, and still live happily, or look at the many other factors that make me realize that I am a blessed individual; thats what will make me free. Its time for me to change my way of thinking and be free....

Very Little To Talk About

2008-02-01T19:44:00.000-06:00

For the past month, I have intentionally neglected to write on my blog. I have been somewhat to myself, and really didn't want to expose much about my thoughts. But I think I am back in full swing now. It's the mardi gras season here in the city, and parades and people are everywhere in the city once again. Rain has been an enemy of the season thus far, but all that means is more parades on another night. I haven't been to any of the parades of course. I am not big on crowds. Not to mention when you've lived in New Orleans for thirty-four years mardi gras is just like Christmas to me. Only day of true significance to me is my birthday, and that is mainly because I think being a saggitarius is the best zodiac sign ever. Other than that, work is work. I am still trying to make my exit mark. Its taking a little longer than what I expected, but I have been having fun in the office. One of my former co-workers came back to the office. I am certainly glad to see her. She and I have a lot of fun together. Today, she and I along with several other co-workers ate lunch at Gordon-Bierch. They had beers with their lunch. I had lemonade and was laughed at. Now they all know I don't drink beer, but for some reason they expected me to have some type of alcohol with my lunch. Its not odd for attorney's to drink at lunch, but I didn't see the need to today. Not to mention, I really didn't feel much like drinking. That's a big step for me. I never pass on alcohol at anytime of the day. But today was different for some reason.

Aside from all of that, I have a day of infamy approaching. I have had dreams every night about the same person that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I am trying not to think about this person, but it bothers me when I wake up with my clothes and bed sheets wet from sweating profusely. I will explain later what my dreams have entailed and other factors surrounding my mental state. I just don't feel like discussing it right now.

One Step Closer

2008-01-01T20:51:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!!!!!!!! I hope everyone had a wonderful christmas and I hope everyone has plans to be a better person striving for better things. Over the christmas break, I had a few days to think about what I want for the new year. The one thing I am certain of is that I want less stress. My job carries a shit load of it. So I am taking steps to get another job so that I will be able to start my law practice. Tomorrow I will speak with the person who is the driving force behind the incentive for me to work for me. I have talked about this for years now, and since our unit was disbanded, I was truly on the verge of quitting. But I think I have a more solid plan right now, or at least a way to get out of the office, and make money. Two of my colleagues are in agreeance with me, and they are ready for the joint business venture of a law practice. I truly believe the three of us can corner the market as exceptional female defense attorneys. This city has so many male defense attorney's who are reputable, but it lacks female defense lawyers. This is where we step in. The opportunity is getting closer to me. I can feel it. In the weeks to come, I will decide on whether I will run down my sick time, then submit my two weeks notice while collecting my vacation time in the form of a check. Strive to do better this year folks......Everything else is just plain bullshit......

Remember Me?

2007-12-12T23:04:00.000-06:00

So its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. This is largely because I really didn't have much that I wanted to say. Things have happened, things have changed, whether or not I have is a different story however. The office atmosphere is better. The media doesn't attack us like they used to. We are happy being prosecutors again. No one was fired or laid off to settle a debt. But most importantly, last Friday I celebrated my 34th birthday. I must admit I was surprised by my party, and the number of people who appeared to celebrate my day. I was thoroughly surprised and pleased. It took me the entire weekend to sober up, but it was worth it. I guess now I need to sit down and think about what's next for me. Today I realized that I spend far too much money on material things. I think I came to this realization after I heard myself say out loud that I purchased a watch that cost me over $400.00 as a birthday gift to myself. Granted I don't have any kids, or have to pay mortgage, but I need to start being more responsible with my money. Its amazing how some things can change over night; like turning 34.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

2007-10-26T15:57:00.000-05:00

I have sat quietly in my home keeping up with the latest news stories regading District Attorney Eddie Jordan. It is now time for me to break my silence. Last Friday, I was by my parents house getting ready to dive into my week off from the office and guess what I saw on WDSU ten o'clock news. A story about an armed robber fleeing the scene of an accident and running directly to Eddie Jordan's house. My mouth dropped as I dropped whatever it was I was doing to make sure I didn't miss the story. As a prosecutor for almost five years here in Orleans Parish, I can pretty much tell when a story just doesn't sound right. And on Friday night of last week when Eddie Jordan FIRST told the media that he and his "girlfriend" didn't know the young man who came to their home nor did they know he had just committed a crime, I said to myself I bet his "girlfriend" knows that bastard. Low and behold two or three days later the media reports that Eddie Jordan says his "girlfriend" knows the suspect and his family. Then to add insult to injury, Eddie Jordan later says that his "girlfriend" spent an entire day with the suspect and another young man in Baton Rouge. What the fuck!!!!!

Let's just go over the stories Eddie Jordan has told the media. Story #1: the young man came to the house, knocked on the door and said he had just been in a car accident. Eddie Jordan asked the young man if he was ok, let him into his home to use the phone, and a few minutes later, the young man left. Two or three days later, they saw the young man on the news and immediately called the police. Eddie said he nor his "girlfriend" knew the young man.

Story #2: Eddie Jordan said he was in his bedroom when he heard a noise coming from his backyard. He looked out the window and saw his "girlfriend" talking to a young man in their backyard.

Story #3: Eddie Jordan said he was in his bedroom when he heard a noise coming from his backyard. As he exited his bedroom, he saw the young man seated in his stairwell saying he had been in an accident. Minutes later, the young man and his "girlfriend" went into the backyard where the young man used the cell phone, and then the young man left.

Eddie Jordan also said he didn't have reason to think the young man was lying or had just robbed someone because he was just a kid. NEWSFLASH MR. JORDAN: MOST OF THE CRIMINALS IN ADULT COURT YOUR OFFICE PROSECUTES ARE KIDS. NOT TO MENTION THAT DIVISION IN YOUR OFFICE YOU CALL JUVENILE COURT. This man has managed to single-handedly bring down the image of the office and lower morale in the office to an all time low. No one person can curtail criminal activity, and the public shouldn't expect it. The truth of the matter is witnesses don't like to come forward. The truth of the matter is NOPD is over-worked and they rush investigations just for the sake of closing the case on their end. The district attorney's office can only do so much when it comes to crime and our office can only do what is allowed under the law. However, it is the responsibility of the district attorney to be able to legally inform the public and the police on whether a case is suitable for prosecution. We are the lawyers for the public. Therefore, we have to give the legal advice to the public. Not the other way around. But it is embarassing to have an armed robber run to the home of the district attorney apparently seeking refuge through whatever relationship he has with the district attorney's "girlfriend." Why is she keeping this kind of company anyway? I don't give a damn if it was her birthday, she should understand she has to maintain an image just because. Not to mention this suspect is also suspected of shooting an officer and his wife shortly after the armed robbery.

Way to go Mr. Jordan. Just when I thought that things couldn't get any worst for you, they some how have. Bit of advice to you Mr. Jordan. You and your "girlfriend" should stop giving comments to the media because your words will eventually come back to haunt you.

Why I Don't Vote

2007-10-20T20:09:00.000-05:00

Today was election day here in the state of Louisiana. While I did very little research on one candidate for governor, I decided this morning not to vote. I simply can not vote for people just for the sake of preventing another person from getting into office. All of the candidates sing the same song, but once the election is over everything goes back to hell. Nothing changes and you wait another four years to listen to people beg for your vote, and trash the city with all their paraphernalia. Unfortunately when it comes to voting, just like everything else, people are voting against a candidate because of their race. Perfect example: the mayoral race after Katrina. People voted for Nagin because they didn't want a white man (Mitch Landrieu) in office. Eventhough Landrieu was clearly the better candidate, he lost because black people didn't want to vote for someone who could move this city forward. Black people decided to vote based upon some conspiracy theory that all of the white people were trying to push all of the black people out of office and the city. And here we are almost three years after Katrina and nothing has changed for the better. I understand that people marched and died for our right to vote. But what people need to understand is that those people marched and died so that we could exercise our right to vote or not to vote. There is a difference in being told you can't vote as opposed to deciding not to vote. I am not saying that I am right in all of this because if I came across a candidate I thought was sincere in wanting to help his or her city or state, then I would vote for that person. Hell I would even campaign for the person. Pass out literature in the heat. But I don't see any sincerity in any candidate for any political seat. I guess in a perfect world elections would be about change for the better; not because of black or white.

An Extra Day Of Solitude

2007-10-08T19:37:00.000-05:00

Today turned my three day weekend into a four day weekend. I only requested to have this past Friday off, but since court was closed today, I decided to stay home. I will tell my supervisors tomorrow when I go to work. I know some of you may be saying, "Boy I wish I had a job like that." Actually it's not all that bad to be able to come and go as I please. I guess that's one of the perks of being in that office. But today was not a day to do absolutely nothing. I decided to print out some resumes/cover letters for employment elsewhere. So far I have sent out two. One in the city and the other in DC. I have not made any decisions to make a move. I figure I will have to give myself some options before I make any decisions that important.

The poem that I posted to the right of this blog is important to me. I wrote it September 28, 2000. That is seven years ago. At the time I wrote it, I was just a law student, not an attorney who "wears the guise." Not to mention, I didn't have any particular man in mind when I wrote it. I was just up a little after midnight, and I decided to pick up my pencil and open my poetry book. The words just began to pour onto the paper. It was as if I wrote it with no effort or premeditation. Strangely, I do feel like I have to make a choice between money and family. I realize that I am more concerned with making money, but I am starting to think about what my counselor seems to think. She think in some ways I want a family; just scared of it and choose not to be in a relationship. She may be right. I still haven't figured that out. But I do know that I do not actively seek anyone to be in a relationship with. Everyone will probably agree that the best way to find a relationship is to not look for it. But even if I stumble upon one inadvertently, I will do something to distance myself. Just so the reader knows, I was this way before I was raped of course. I have always had a commitment complex. The rape has heightened if however. The idea of being raped by someone I have known since high school makes me think that I can't trust anyone new. So I guess the poem holds true to some degree; maybe I wil love someone "in another lifetime."

My Three Day Weekend

2007-10-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I decided to stay home--translation; stay in my bed all day. The only time I left my apartment was to go visit my psychiatrist who thinks that I am doing better these days. I must admit that I agree with him. Ever since I have been taking Cymbalta, my mood has been so much better. Work doesn't bother me like it used to, or as much as it used to. I don't have as many scary dreams as I used to. I don't think about killing myself like I used to. The only things that haven't changed is that I am still not comfortable in my surroundings. Whenever I wake up, I still feel disoriented not knowing where I am. The smallest sound makes me feel as if someone is in my apartment standing over me waiting to attack me. And my sleep pattern is still off. Although I must say the Cymbalta has my sleep pattern at a hit or miss. At one point, I had to take sleeping pills in order to go to sleep. Now I will either fall asleep on my own or go one or two nights without sleep. The reason why I don't want to take the sleeping pills often are for two reason. One, my body will get immune to them such that they stop working, and two, the pills I am taking can cause weight gain. The last thing I want to do is gain more weight. I am in the process of changing my eating habits and what I eat. I never realized how much thought has to go into that. I haven't done too much today but watch videoes on vh1. They're playing all the music that I grew up to. Music used to sound so good......

Lyrics and Feelings

2007-09-25T00:13:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here listening to India Arie cd. It is her third release. I purchased it as soon as it came out because I think she is one of the few talented musicians in the industry today. This lady has it all. She can write music, play music, and can sing relatively well-unlike many singers in R&B. Namely Beyonce', but that is another blog. Anyway, India remade a song on her cd. The title is Forgiveness. While I am not sure who the original composer was, it is one of my favorite songs on her cd. Let me just say I think the entire cd is great. The lyrics are so on point. Its one of those cd's I put in, listen to, and can just relate. I love the way she writes. She put lyrics together that makes the listener relate. I took a quote from the song Forgiveness, and I posted it on my blog as the quote of the week. I think the lyrics to this song grabbed a hold of me because the cd was released around the same time my cousin died last year in a car accident. This song was one of the things that helped not have anger inside of me against the man responsible for her death. Everytime I hear it, I think of Angie. I can remember the day as if it was yesterday. I received the call about her death around one o'clock in the morning. As I was driving to work later that morning, I noticed the sky was so blue, and my surroundings were calm. I was accelerating up the high rise when I looked at the sky, and I saw my cousin Angie face. She was smiling as if everything was okay now. As if she was saying remember my smile and the laughter I shared with you all when we were together. A tear rolled down my cheek, but I pulled myself together, and proceeded to work in my attorney mode. It wasn't until a year later that I actually grieved, but everytime I hear that song, I think of Angie, her mother, father, and sisters. When an artist can grab a person with music and lyrics, its helps me realize that we all have feelings. The same feelings. It makes me believe that people who are true musicians can grasp anyone through their music; that's how we relate with the artist. India....I wish you could get the recognition you deserve. Unfortunately, there are too many ignorant people looking at the wrong things and listenting to the wrong things creating the illusion that music is just about being half dressed, having half a voice, and shaking your ass like a stripper.

That Song Is A Jam

2007-09-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

I am no huge fan of Fantasia, but that song is the shit!!! The title is "When I See You." I purchased the CD just for that song, and its all I listen you. I love the beat, the melody, the vocal arrangements, the words, and the way she sings the song. She is displaying her true voice control in this song; which is different from her usual raspy screaming that I hear in her other songs. When I first saw her on American Idol, I didn't care for her voice until I watched her as she sang Summertime. I was able to hear a different side to her singing. As months passed, I just couldn't put my finger on why I couldn't get into her voice. But then it hit me. I saw her perform on a gospel award show, and I realized that she has a voice to sing gospel. Not so much R&B. However, this song really shows off her smooth vocal talent. And eventhough she displays the raspy sound towards the end of the song, it doesn't drown out the background vocals. I love the words as well. Simple songs like this means a lot to me. Its lyrics everyone can relate to and if you close your eyes, you can fall deep into the melody. Fantasia gets big props from me on this one.

The Real Problem In Jena Is The Disease Of Ignorance

2007-09-21T02:31:00.000-05:00

For months now, I have listened to people complain about the unfortunate activities amongst high school students in Jena. To be honest, I have deliberately elected not to read any articles about it because I don't like to receive any information from the media. Another reason is I don't want to get anyone's opinion about it because it would be just that-an opinion and not facts. What I did take note of is the amount of attention nationwide this incident has drawn. So I decided to find out a little more about what events occurred that led to yesterday's protest. I have read articles and public comments/opinions about this, but what I haven't read in any of those articles or opinions is a question that people have neglected to ask. That question is where are the parents in all of this, and what are they doing about the actions of their children; both black and white.

From what I have read, the actions, reactions, and results were unnecessary, unwarranted, and ignorant. Have the parents explained to their children how their foolish actions or reactions have escalated into something that was totally uncalled for? Ignorance is defined as a lack of knowledge, education, or awareness. If that doesn't describe the events in Jena, then what does? In 2007, there are white children perpetuating segregation by adhering to a long standing tradition of a "white only tree" on school grounds. In 2007, a black student has to ask permission to sit underneath this "white only tree" on school grounds. In 2007, white students make a statement against black students sitting underneath this "white only tree" by hanging a noose(es) from this "white only tree." In 2007, black students seek adult assistance and get improper attention. In 2007, a black student is beaten by white students because he chose to ignore the ignorance, and sit underneath the "white only tree." In 2007, black students respond to this chain of ignorance with physical violence ultimately exposing them to criminal charges, criminal arrests, and criminal convictions. In 2007, where in the hell are the parents in the midst of all this ignorance?

A rational parent would have told their child that he/she can't tell anybody where to sit in a public place. A rational parent would have told their child that racist displays such as a noose hanging from a tree is completely unacceptable. Its a painful image and reminder of what existed in American history, and it should not be a part of anyone's experience today. A rational parent would have told their child that physical violence is not the way to resolve anything, and if complaints to the appropriate people yeilded negative results, then that's when the rational parent becomes involved and find a lawyer willing to make a name for his or herself and file a civil suit against the appropriate people or entities. This is an unfortunate situation that involves children, parents, and professional adults who are lacking knowledge, education, and awareness. In sum, children, parents, and professional adults who are ignorant. There is a lack of knowledge regarding the history of racism and segregation. The lack of educating our children of all aspects of American history. An education that should be inclusive of more than a just few black leaders in this country. There is more to slavery and the evolution of this country than just Harriett Tubman, Marcus Garvey, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Muhammed Ali, and Thurgood Marshall. Most importantly, the lack of awarenss regarding how racist acts affects people emotionally; black and white people. How physical violence impacts black and white people-not only leaving physical scars, but mental scars as well.

American people have come a long way, but we have a long road ahead of us. My response to comments made by adults trying to rationalize or justify the actions of these children is this. Those actions can't be rationalized or justified, and if you think those children (black or white) were justified in their actions, then please do a favor for the people who live in the small community of polite society. Either don't have children, or designate someone with better sense to raise your children. Maybe that might circumvent another Jena. Think about it....

Nominees For Jackass Of The Week Award

2007-09-18T22:57:00.000-05:00

This category is for the Jackass of the Week Award, and the nominees are:

OJ Simpson-this once respectable and famed athelete jackass got arrested for some dumb shit (shit that I still don't understand) after literally getting away with murder. Hey jackass...Cochran is dead!!!!

Snakeman-this Barnum and Bailey jackass decided he wanted to prove that his pet rattlesnake was harmless. So what does he do? He puts the damn snake in his mouth, and the snake bites his ass causing venom to flow through his body and causing ,among other things, suffocation. This foolish act could have killed his ass in SEVEN MINUTES. Hey jackass...get a fucking dog like normal people!!!!

Wanna Be Copkiller-this no-name jackass shot a policeman in a parish located in Louisiana. The thing about this shooting is that this is the first time in the history of the police department in that parish that a cop was shot in the line of duty. His ass was lucky they didn't shoot and kill his ass. Hey jackass....just kill yourself before the State of Louisiana do!!!!

Gov. Kathleen Blanco-this once highly regarded politician jackass and the people she placed in charge of administering Road Home money has awarded money to people who had no damage from Hurricane Katrina. In fact, they didn't even live in the part of the city that was damanged by the hurricane. And now, the Road Home funds are almost depleted. Hey jackass....there are still people displaced who haven't received any money to rebuild their homes destroyed by what? The fucking hurricane!!!!

Those are the nominees. Now before I make a decision on my own, I want you, the public, to vote and post your reasons for your vote on my blog. Otherwise, I'm just gonna pick OJ dumb ass.

Know Your Surroundings

2007-09-18T22:26:00.000-05:00

Ordinarily, I wouldn't pass comments as such, but this needs to be said. Our district attorney has done it again. He has managed to bring unnecessary attention to himself and the office. Just when I thought there was nothing else that could put the spotlight on the office, his ass managed to do it. His chief investigator has been conducting a surveillance/investigation of a top figure in the NOPD for no legal reason. In fact, the office had to apologize for the intrusion and released a statement that there is no pending investigation against this person. The problem with this is our district attorney has made bad decisions since day one. When he was elected, upon taking office he entrusted someone to hire new people and fire people under the old administration. Eventually he was sued for discrimination, and now the office owes these people millions that was awarded in the lawsuit.

As much as I hate to make this next statement, it needs to be said. Affirmative action can have bad repercusions. There is no reason why our district attorney should have been U.S. Attorney and there is no reason why he should have been elected as district attorney. This man knows absolutely nothing about the law. Its pathetic and difficult to say that I actually work for him. He doesn't know state law so I can imagine he knew very little federal law-if any at all. In addition to him coming from the federal level of prosecution, he brought in people from the federal level and placed them in high ranking positions in the office. Guess what? They don't know anything either!!!!! If you don't know the daily functions of an office, if you don't know the law, and if you don't know anything about investigation tactics, then surround yourself with people who do!!! Don't place people there just because they're your friends, they're black, they're your lunch buddies on a daily basis. Award people positions because they can get the damn job done. And even if they are not familiar with the system, select someone who is competent enough to take the initiative to learn it. Don't surround yourself with bafoons because at the end of the day, its your name in the paper, and your face on the news. The people he surrounded himself with has been the cause of all of his problems. This man has to be the only polician in history to have a good reputation prior to taking office, and at the end of his term have the worst reputation ever. His legal career is probably at an end. No law firm will hire him. No organization will support him financially for another campaign, and I don't know many people who will vote for him again. The only place he can possibly gain employment would be at a predominately black university/law school.

And most importantly.....don't be stubborn. When someone offer advice, listen!!! All of the good advice he received came from outside sources. It was the jackasses he trusted that fucked him.

Something Different

2007-09-16T23:49:00.001-05:00

I didn't have much to write about for the past few days. I have been sleeping the entire weekend and I took in a movie late Sunday evening. I saw the movie with Jody Foster and Terrence Howard. It was okay. I've seen better and I've seen worst. Its an average show I suppose but it was worth getting out of the house. I have made some adjustments to my blog page. I hope those who checks in likes it. And for the love of God, please don't take my poems and tell people you wrote them. I am posting something so sacred to me, so all I ask is for respect and honesty.

Finding Commitment

2007-09-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend thinging a lot about myself and what I eat-or don't eat. I have reached the conclusion that I am not happy with my diet. In fact, I don't think I have ever been satisfied with my diet. That is inclusive of the period in my life when I would have considered myself to be a decent size. What I am trying to commit myself to is making better food decisions. Along with better food habits, I have started my pilates routine. My first step involved a ten minute routine targeting abs and thighs. THAT SHIT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!! Those ten minutes made me understand what "out of shape" really means. Word to the wise. If you haven't stretched in a while, you might wanna start some time soon. I am sure my body will remind me of all of this in the morning. Anyway, my pilates dvd has like seven different ten minute exercise regimes targeting different parts of the body, and it also has a fifteen minute pilates workout. I have started on the ten minute workouts respectively. I haven't quite put together a diet that I want to practice. My intentions are not to remove my favorites from my dietary intake. I love chips too much for that. It's the healthy foods that I want to increase/implement in my diet. As everyone knows, I don't know how to cook. Therefore, essential vegetables and properly cooked foods don't make its way to my kitchen table. I am trying to change my way of thinking, eating, and living. I stayed home from work today and thought about this all day. I also slept for the most part, but that is neither here nor there. I needed to take some time out for me despite it being a workday. I am hoping this is something I can commit to because I typically don't stick to any one thing. I have always hated routinely doing things, but the truth of the matter is I need that discipline hanging over me. Otherwise, I get all out of proportion metally and physically. Wish me luck!!!

It's Simply Not Fair

2007-09-05T23:20:00.000-05:00

After having dinner with a law school friend, having a drink, and smoking a cigar, I have finally made it home. Upon entering my home, the only thing I have turned on is the computer. Darkness surrounds me and silence is in my ears. I have held back tears, and I have shedded tears. I received news earlier tonight that the young man responsible for my cousins' death last year was only found guilty of Driving Under the Influence. Today marks the one year anniversary of my cousins' death, which is ironically the day he received a verdict for this crime. Yesterday would have been my cousin 21st birthday. So much has gone through my mind. Everything from disbelief to sorrow. I don't hate the guy. I don't even know him, but I find it hard to believe that a judge or jury didn't find his actions negligent. I am sure when my cousin saw her 20th birthday, she didn't think the following day would be her last day. I can't help but think about what went through her mind during the final precious seconds of her life. I wonder if she was thinking why didn't I stay home? Why did I get in this car tonight? If I make it through tonight, then tomorrow I will be fine. Was that truly the last time I will see my parents? I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to die, right here, right now, at this age. How is any of this fair to me? Will my next breath be my last gasp?

Everyone says we feel the same thing in death as we felt before we were born; nothing. Sure my cousin isn't in any pain anymore. But I am sure her mother and father are still feeling a pain that is immeasurable. A pain I am certain will never cease. Questions that will never be answered. A desire to hold there baby one more time. A desire to watch their child have children. A cry from so deep within that it hurts just to let it out. An everlasting wish to see their child walk through the door, call on the phone, see her smile, hear her voice. None of that can be replaced. They have been let down from both angles. Let down by the person whom they thought was a responsible young man/friend of the family. And let down by the justice system. When will my aunt and uncle get justice? When will they be able to move on and be happy? When will they find peace within? I am inclined to think the answer to those questions would be when they die.

Like Music

2007-08-19T21:06:00.000-05:00

On Friday of last week, I left work feeling kind of good. I don't know why, I just did. I have reached the conclusion that I am going to begin the wheels to start my own law practice. For some reason, I am excited about this. Considering I have no money to invest in my business, and I have no clients as of yet, I am happy about the idea. Yesterday, I found out I was moved to another section of court with my friend. This friend is one of the two people I want to go into practice with. The judge in this section is laid back, so if I need to go to civil court to take care of civil matters, I can while my co-counsel holds down the fort in criminal court. I met with a colleague of mine from law school and he and I decided to work together on some cases. For the time being, he will refer civil cases to me and once I branch out of the office, then I will begin criminal defense work. I came home and obtained a federal tax identification number on-line, and tomorrow I will open up a client-trust fund account with the bank. I am excited about this new venture for me. I think as long as I was just focused on the office I am currently working for, I was depressed and didn't want to think about my future because I couldn't see past that office. But something inside of me is beginning to look at things in another perspective. I don't expect to go out, hang my shingle, and become a millionaire over night. But it sure would be great to make additional money in the months to come. I am praying that I can keep a straight head and think logically throughout this venture. It feels so good to me and it feels so right--just like music.

How Does It Feel?

2007-08-09T04:40:00.000-05:00

It is 4:30 a.m., and I have decided to post something on my blog. I don't feel bad about being awake right now because actually I woke up about an hour ago. I took a sleeping pill around 7:30 p.m., and I think I fell asleep somewhere around eight something-so I am well rested. I haven't posted anything for days now because I really didn't want to discuss what has been bothering me for weeks now. However, I need to vent without actually complaining in someone's ear. I have this internal pain and aggravation stemming from by job and how the office didn't support our unit when we came under fire by the media and the public. It feels like someone is constantly pointing fingers at me to place blame somewhere. It feels like someone digging the dagger deeper and deeper in my back. Everytime I walk into court or the office, I feel like someone is laughing at me or is disappointed in me. Its not so much that my ego can't take it. Its more so that I am truly sadened by the whole event.

I wasn't able to go to sleep last night so I decided to google my name to read reports that I was connected to by way of my job. I came across articles of different organizations discussing how I did an ineffective job as a prosecutor, and how I should have been reprimanded or terminated. These were organizations I have never heard of with articles published by people who don't even know me. I try to tell myself that these people are posting comments about matters after receiving information from their only source-the media. Unfortunately, that just doesn't work. What's more upsetting is that the office didn't want to be upfront about the mistake they created-not me or the unit. Its not a good feeling to have your name or reputation tarnished by people who have never even met me. This entire experience has placed me on another level of loneliness. Level one of loneliness: no one understands what its like to work in the DA's office unless they have been in my shoes. Level two of loneliness: no one knows what its like struggling to surpass feelings attached to being raped unless they have experienced it. That alone is like a mental demise, and the one thing I had left-eventhough at times it was on unstable grounds-was my confidence in my ability to prosecute cases; however that has been comprimised now. Level three of loneliness: having your name dragged through the mud with the people you work for throwing you out there as fresh meat to be eaten alive by the sharks that swim in such shallow waters. I can honestly say that now it feels like I have nothing left. In my mind, not even the people I work with knows what that is like because I am the only one presently in that office that has endured this type of public scrutiny. Here is something else that keeps reverberating in my head. My sister telling me that someone with more experience should have been prosecuting that case. This shit hurts like hell......

A Step In The Right Direction

2007-07-31T22:09:00.000-05:00

I decided that I would write something on my blog that has made me happy within the past few days. My most recent entries have been more of a bitch session, so I want to share some things that have made me smile in recent days. Today I communicated with my sister by way of email. This morning I was on the elevator going into the office and a lady in the elevator with me asked about my name. She thought I was my sister, so I got her name and told her that I would tell my sister she said hello. I emailed my sister and told her about the young lady and my sister emailed me back asking me more about the lady and that she remembered a few women she graduated with who had that name. It was a brief conversation, but it made me feel good that she was receptive to my email.

Other than that, I spent the weekend at Snug Harbor listening to jazz. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Music is such an important factor in my life and I don't know what I or the world would be like without it. I really do wish I could get back into doing what I love so much. Music is probably my only passion in life, but maybe as time progress something else will grasp my attention as well.

Those are just a couple of things that made my weekend and my day. Hopefully my sister and I will get back to the way we used to be, but baby steps to normalcy is just as important as huge steps.

Pain Explained

2007-07-25T23:10:00.000-05:00

Pain is defined as acute mental or emotional distress or suffering. For the past three weeks, I have felt pain from my job and my sister. I told myself that things would change over the weeks-maybe months; but that isn't so. Nothing has changed and the pain has increased beyond what I have strength to bear. How do I make sense of nonsense? How do I rationalize that which is irrational? How do I find logic in the illogical? How do I remove pain from my heart when my heart beats daily hoping for change? I don't want to cope with things. I want to change things. Unfortunately, that which is causing the pain is something that I can not change. Something that I do not control. Something that restricts me and forces me to wait on the next person in order to rid of my pain. Somebody once told me that happiness comes from within and only I can control my happiness. If that is true, then why is it that others hurt me to a point where I feel pain. If I controlled my happiness, then it wouldn't matter what the next person did to me because irrespective of what that person has done, I would still be happy. But such is not the case. If my sister would forget about all of this nonsense, and continue in the relationship that I have always known, then I would be happy in that aspect. But her acts of distance causes me to feel pain. If my employers were not so incompetent and selfish, then maybe I would be happy in that respect. Its amazing how I take the next person feelings into consideration, yet pain manages to exist in the air I breathe. Pain is the worst disease known to mankind. It can be inflicted verbally or physically. It knows no boundaries and it has no pity. Its equivalent to death. It happens to all of us.

My Next Move

2007-07-23T19:50:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. The past two weeks at work were hectic and the end result was our homicide unit being disbanded. Unfortunately we received a lot of negative press that we did not deserve, and to add insult to injury, it was negative press behind a case the office should have never accepted from the police department. There is no evidence whatsoever in that case, and if/when the defendant file bar complaints, I don't want to be named and accused of prosecutorial misconduct. I have tried to look at this from different angles, and the fact is I am not adapting well to my new assignment in the office. I have been made a "super senior" in a section of court, and it appears to be okay. I think the division superiors will allow me to pick cases in the section that I want to try, and not have to deal with court on a daily basis. That's not a bad gig I suppose. However, I think I am really beginning to see that maybe its time for me to look for other employment outside the office. Somewhere inside of me I know I like what I do, but with the chain of events that took place last week, I have a totally different respect (or lack thereof) for the leadership in the office. I find it difficult to even say I like the people I work for and represent when I go into court. Maybe in a month things will change in terms of my attitude. But today there are people in that office I want to avoid seeing altogether.

Circus With A Bunch Of Clowns

2007-07-12T01:59:00.000-05:00

Why is it that people find it so hard to tell the truth? I'll tell you why. Because people are more concerned with making themselves look good even if it means lying on the next person. Its no secret on my blog that I prosecute homicides in this city. I have been a prosecutor for a little over four years, and no aspect of solving crime in this city has gotten any better. Police submit crappy cases to our office, and our office get fucked in the end for trying to make something out of nothing. Not only from the public, but from the police who submit the shit to us. I hate to get involved with pointing fingers, but some things just need to be told; i.e. the truth. Our police does very little to put together a case properly. They lack gathering sufficient evidence, and they hate to be told their cases suck. Politics is a dirty game, and I don't know why I chose a profession and area of law that requires me to play it. But what I do know is this. When they put me in front of a camera and start asking questions, don't be shocked with how I respond. By the time I answered three questions truthfully, my supervisor immediately began answering questions posed. I think I am a diplomatic person, but I also have this nasty habit of telling the truth. Particularly when other people want to throw mud, divert the attention off of what they did or neglected to do, and then blame someone else for the shit they created. There is no honor among thieves, and those thieves are politicians.

Bottoms Up

2007-07-05T00:51:00.000-05:00

When I woke up this morning, I decided to stay home and celebrate the Fourth of July by myself. My mother called and I decided to go to their house. When I arrived, they weren't there. So I decided to go by my sister house to see if they were there. Needless to say they were there, and I was somewhat bothered by what I saw. Let me say this first. Two days ago, a young man walked up to me and told me hello because he thought I graduated from high school with him. When he said the name of the school, I told him he had me mistaken for my sister. He apologized, told me his name and told me to tell my sister hello. I immediately called my sister and told her because I didn't want to forget his name. My sister didn't remember him, but I took the opportunity to talk to my sister because she and I don't talk much. I asked her what she was doing for the holiday and she said nothing; which I can understand because its the middle of the week. Well, when I went by my sister looking for my mother and father today, guess what I saw. Burger, hot dogs, baked beans, chips, etc. Now perhaps she and her husband decided to wake up and do something. That's possible. But it hurts to think that she wasn't going to call me and ask me to come over and spend the day with them. Had I not gone over there looking for my parents, I wouldn't have known any better. I went to a bar, had a few drinks by myself, then drove home. I got in the tub took a bath and cried. After my bath, I poured myself a few more drinks, and cried some more. As I write this, I am still thinking that life is not for me any longer. I really feel like I am skating on the edge with no care if I fall over or not.

A Week Of Ignorance

2007-06-30T22:32:00.000-05:00

This week made me remember that it is so easy for people to criticize that which they do not understand. I don't even have the energy to write about my week. Just know its about what we do as prosecutors, what the public don't understand about cases, what the public perception of our office is, and the ignorance and racism in this city and beyond. It doesn't matter what the topic of discussion is, someway; somehow, people will make everything a black and white issue. I would like to think in this world there are topics and friendships beyond color. I would like to think that I am not identified by my white counterparts as their "friend or co-worker who is black." I would like to think that when white people see me, they see a woman and not a black woman; or black female attorney. I understand that culture is probably the first thing that meets the eye when people see others. Skin tone is an outer characteristic, but why does it have to be or make up some sort of preconceived notion of a person. I guess that is a part of life I will never understand and may never get an answer to. Its something I will not lose sleep over however. That is a setback that will live on beyond me and its something that I know I can't change. Its just another reason for me to try to hide from the world we live in......

My Eyes And Ears

2007-06-24T21:31:00.000-05:00

I think if people could see what I see when my eyes are open and closed, then they wouldn't like life. I think if people could hear screaming in their ears, and laughter from a horrible source, then they would only want to hear only music or silence. I don't sleep often, but when I do, I am so scared of what I see and hear. My decision is coming. It is just a matter of what side will control.

Too Heavy To Carry

2007-06-17T23:52:00.000-05:00

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to make anymore decisions because making decisions only put me in a place where I don't want to be. Throughout my life I have alienated people for two reasons. One reason is I don't know how to keep people in my life. The other reason is I don't realize that I am doing it. I have managed to successfully keep anyone away from me who might want a relationship with me and now I have managed to push away the only person who has been here on this earth with me since I have been living. The sad part is I don't know why she doesn't want to be around me anymore. I came to realize that I don't have anyone consistent in my life anymore and it may be my fault. I am going to make one more decision and it will probably be my last. I will take the time I need to reach my decsion. Until then, let my life be an example of how not to live......

Shallow As The Ocean

2007-06-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

This week involved getting bitched at by supervisors because its election time, and drinking. I drank so much last night that I was absolutely useless in court today. I wasn't prepared on anything, and I could barely remember what my cases were about. I feel like my mind is running at a thousand miles per hour, and at the end of the day when I come home and look in the mirror, I see someone I don't recognize or like. I don't know who I have become, but I appear to be 21 homicide cases with new homicides coming down the pike. I honestly think my name is State of Louisiana. I have no identity, and I came home tonight wanting to punch a hole in the fucking wall. Its a damn good thing I don't own a gun.

My Road To Heaven That Feels Like Hell

2007-05-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

I have given much thought to my current place in life. The conclusion I have reached is that I am being punished for my sins. Now before you say anything, read this blog first. I have battled with myself over the past couple of years, and I am to a point that I just want to give up on so much; including life. Last week, I had two dreams about the man who raped me, and neither one was pleasant. I attribute my dreams to my last counseling session. I explained to my counselor that I stopped taking my medicine because I want to feel normal. I want to be me again, and being me includes not having to deal with anything. If something happened, I brushed it off and kept going. My counselor said that things happen in our lives that forces us to deal with things. I didn't want to hear that. In fact, I ignored it. That night, I dreamt about the man who forever impacted me, and it ruined the remainder of my week. However, that dream made me realize that my counselor was right. Not to mention, it made me remember a conversation I had with a minister when I visited Selma, Alabama a few weeks ago. He explained to me the definition of grace. Ever since I have been living, my definition of grace was any means by which God made things easy for a person. And I was wrong.

The minister explained that grace is the turmoil that we go through in order to receive the plan that God has set for us. The definition of grace is, according to Webster's, is unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. The definition of regeneration or sanctification is spiritual renewal or revival. Grace is God's favor through Christ to people who deserve His wrath. In this definition, the deserving of wrath picks up the idea of demerit, while the concept of God's favor is still retained.

Ephesians chapter 2, verses 1-5: And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past, ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, by grace ye are saved.

Here, as I live and breathe, I am amongst the disobedient; as well as a child of wrath. Wrath is what I am going through just like many others. And through Christ by the grace of God, I will make it through this wrath that I am surrounded by. Christ had the biggest cross to carry. He had to endure such wrath for the unwarranted to receive God's mercy; the unwarranted being us humans. The road that Christ walked to His crucifixion was grace, and it is through that grace, we are saved. When we go through tuff times, we tend to view that as demerit by God. However, God's favor is still retained. How else are we to understand punishment and forgiveness.

I am bearing my cross right now, and it's probably one of the biggest crosses I will have to bear. However, I have to stop running. Afterall, imagine if Christ had ran from his destiny. He wouldn't be sitting next to God. Therefore, I have walk this painful road to my destiny.

Truth Of The Matter

2007-05-15T21:46:00.000-05:00

For the past two weeks, I have been frustrated with my thought process and people. Last week, I fussed with a defense lawyer about a homicide file that is four years old and is no where near trial. I left work with a headache, upset stomach, and everytime I spoke I could feel the muscles in my throat pulling. That same week, I followed a defendant and approached her about a personal comment she passed about me after court. Ordinarily I would have ignored her, but I just couldn't let it pass. Also in that week, I fussed at another motorist who was making an illegal turn, but she wanted to show me where I was wrong. Slowly but surely I am getting fed up with something. What that something is, I don't know. All I know is that it is becoming extremely difficult to just let things roll of my back or simply ignore things and people. I am tired of not being able to sleep at night because my body has adapted to the sleeping pills prescribed to me. I am tired of constantly telling myself to not let my job dictate how I view people. And most importantly I am tired of telling myself to stop thinking about being raped. It doesn't matter where I am, what I am doing, what I am watching, or who I am talking to. This shit just constantly runs through my head like a cross country marathon, and I honestly feel like no one understands my frustration. I am tired of explaining why I don't take my medicine everyday, why I don't want to talk to the psychiatrist, why I want to kill people, why I don't want to be around people, etc. I really do wish there was someplace I could go to put things into perspective, but the problem is I can't get away from me or my thoughts. If anyone can answer any of the questions posted under my poetic verse of the day section, please respond on this blog.

Special Birthday

2007-04-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today is my nephew birthday. He made 7 years old today. Its so hard to believe that I have watched him grow. I couldn't let the day go by without seeing him. He means so much to me even if I don't show it all of the time. There is nothing that I wouldn't do or wouldn't give so that he could keep his innocense. As I looked at him, with his two front teeth missing, I just kept saying to myself, "How cute!" I love him so much and this blog is for him. Happy Birthday Sticks!!!!! I promise you I will get the Lego you want.

Time To Talk About It

2007-04-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my counseling session, I talked about being raped. I have danced around the issue before, but I have never discussed it in detail until last week. When I talked about it, I actually felt like I was in my old apartment, in my bedroom, being raped all over again. In my mind, all I could see was his devilish face holding me down raping me. It was the most difficult session I ever sat through. Mentally I was exhausted and I think to some degree I was still in shock behind the entire ordeal. I didn't realize how much pain and fear I had bottled up inside of me until I found myself crying in front of my counselor. For the past two years I have gone out of my way to be strong in my sessions and briefly discuss the rape without actually discussing the rape. My session began at seven, and I didn't get home until ten o'clock that night. My counselor didn't feel comfortable letting me leave immediately after our hour ended. I think I am getting to point where I understand how opening up about my feelings are beneficial to me. Hopefully the next time when I am in session it won't be as difficult to discuss what happened. I do feel intimidated by this issue. I don't know how I will feel the next time my counselor and I have this discussion. Hopefully I won't find myself curled up in a ball on the sofa gripping a pillow crying in a state of shock. On the other hand, I have to admit it felt good talking about things. The following day, I was happy and continued in my daily work as a prosecutor. At night when I'm at home, I think about things. I still hope and pray that I never see him again in life. I have had dreams about seeing him. It forces me to wake up and ask myself where am I. Once I realize that I am in my apartment, I fall asleep again. Before I end this entry, I want to sincerely thank the people who have supported me throughout all of this. I have to thank my best friend, my cousin, my blog friend Trucker, and my counselor. I don't think I would have made it through these past two years without them being supportive and expressing concern and belief in me. Thank all of you for being there.

This One Is For My Feelings

2007-04-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

At first I wasn't going to post anything about this because I really didn't want to give it any attention. But I have come to realize that it wouldn't be fair to my feelings. I have a tendency to ignore what my feelings are saying, i.e. my heart, and only listen to my mind. So I am doing something different. Over the past week I have spent $969.49 travelling to and from Oakland, California to visit someone I thought really wanted to see me. However, I lost damn near $1,000.00 all to hear him say that he has never liked me as something other than a friend. Well let me start from the beginning.

I arrived in Oakland Sunday night tired and exhausted. Upon arrival, we went out to get something to eat, and when we came back home, I took a bath and went to bed. By the time Wednesday arrived, I reached the conclusion that there wasn't anything between he and I. We were just friends. He is going on with his life in another city, and I am content in another city. So no harm no foul. I am happy being his friend. Thursday night is when things got confusing. He shared with me that he had recently gotten out of a relationship with someone he met upon moving to California, and has apparently fallen in love with this woman. For whatever reasons, it didn't work out and she no longer wanted to be bothered with him. He was so depressed and was trying to figure out why things between he and the young woman fell apart. Despite the fact that this young woman and her mother used explicit language towards him behind some foolishness, he misses her. As a friend, I rationally talked to him about what he was going through just to help him put things into perspective. However, I couldn't help but ask what did I do wrong. Afterall, I've never cursed at him. Hell I don't think I have ever cursed in front of him. Here it was he was talking about relationships and "devotion", but for whatever reasons he and I could never get to the point of relationship or "devotion." He calmly said to me that he thought he made it perfectly clear to me that he never liked me as anything more than a friend. Not only that, but he said I never expressed myself in a manner that would indicate that I was interested in him. I asked him about the birthday gift, the surprise hotel room at the Sheraton overlooking the Mississippi River, the times we spent together, the poems about him that I let him read, my feelings about him moving to California, not to mention the money I spent to flying to California just to see him. He said that didn't say anything to him. This is how men talk out of both sides of their necks. About two months ago he called me and apolgized for not reciprocating any feelings that I displayed to him. When I reminded him of that, he got quiet.

It would have been one thing had he just said he didn't feel that way about me and couldn't develop those type of feelings for me. I don't expect every man I like to like me the same way. That is a childish viewpoint. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and there really is no need to explain your feelings to anybody. But for him to tell me that under those circumstances really hurt my feelings. The good thing is, I was able to tell him that. In my own way, I expressed my feelings without yelling or cursing. He actually looked upset after I expressed myself. He said he felt like he was losing a friend. I told him I feel like I've never had one. If he couldn't be honest about his new relationship or his feelings about me, then I never knew him. At this point, I don't want to know him. Why should I want to?

You know, I am always searching for ways to improve me. The first thing I said to myself is what can I do to make me better. Make me better express myself. Make me more likeable to others. But then I realized the problem isn't me. I'm not the one who lie to people. I'm not the one who verbally abuse people. I'm not the one who physically abuse people. And I'm damn sure not the one who rape people. But even with all of that being done to me, I'm the one who should try to improve myself? I've been looking at things backwards. It's cool he feels the way he does, but I am willing to bet my life that he will never find anyone like me. So from my feelings to yours.....KISS MY ASS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!

Peace Y'all...