It's Happening Again

Here it is, 8:45 in the morning and I still haven't left for work. For the last two months, I have had to drag myself out of bed just to go to work or do simple things like walk outside of my room. I figured I was just being lazy but in recent times I have been paying attention to my thought process during the night and in the morning. During the night, I stress over everything and in the morning I have to convince myself that today will be better. In my mind, I believe something will go wrong because that's just how its been since February 13, 2005. I guess it could have been bad prior to that but I didn't pay attention to it if it was. Let me explain what I am experiencing in the morning when I wake up. First of all, it's very dark in my room at night. So I feel like I am effectively hiding. From what, I don't know but I feel like no one can see me. When the sun comes up, I really don't know if its sunny outside or if its raining because the patio blocks any light from coming into my room. However I know its time to get up because my dad comes in and tell me he is leaving for work. After that I hide under the covers because I don't want to face what is going to happen outside. I just want to stay in my bed (well on my air mattress) and stay under the covers and not deal with anything. Now I know what someone reading this will think. That person is going to say, "You should have taken the meds." But I just couldn't bring myself to doing it.